Girl Scouts to Release New Cookie Flavors, Blow Your Goddamned Mind

The Girl Scouts are coming and this year, they are going to fuck up everything about your life with three new cookie flavors—two of which are gluten-free. Paging Phyllis Neffler, how many boxes will you be selling this year? More importantly, how many boxes can I eat without incurring diabetes? Because, let me be real with you, I could eat cookies all day.

First of all, before your mind is even blown by the fact that there are more flavors than Thin Mints and Samoas to choose from, you’re going to need to remember that you can buy boxes of cookies online now. That means you can order them from the convenience of your own home and then enjoy them while never having to meet an actual Girl Scout. Excellent!

Now no one can judge you for your choices, your apparel when you run down for that “last box of cookies” or the fact that that last box of cookies is actually fifteen boxes that you mean to freeze but actually end up eating instead while watching Law&Order in your underwear. Awesome.

Second of all, there really are three new flavors. The first two two sound delicious and are gluten-free. Here’s the description from People.

Toffee-tastic (buttery cookies with toffee bits) and Trios (peanut butter, chocolate chips and whole grain oats) are both gluten-free, making this the first time in the 98-year Girl Scout cookie-selling history that a G-free cookie is available nationwide. Last year, the Scouts tested a gluten-free Chocolate Chip Shortbread in select markets.

I personally don’t smoke weed, but my first thought when I read about these flavors was “man it’d be nice to get a bowl going, load up The Cosmos and eat cookies all day.” I don’t even know if “get a bowl going” is proper terminology for, well, anything, but these cookies sound like the perfect companion to a day of getting high as fuck and learning about space.

The third new flavor, Rah-Rah Raisins, is an oatmeal raisin cookie with whole grain oats, raisins, and Greek yogurt-flavored chunks.

Sign me right the fuck up. Not only are oatmeal-raisin cookies delicious while lulling you into a false comfort that you’re eating something healthy (haters to the left), but yogurt chunks make anything better. I am ashamed to admit that when I had a hamster, I would sometimes eat her yogurt chunks because they were so delicious. I know the box says “not for human consumption,” but I’m fine.

The cookies will be available from January until April and you should start planning what you’re going to buy now and how many sick days you can take just to eat cookies and watch TV. I recognize how mad it is for me to be so excited about cookies, but until you’ve eaten ten Samoas in a row yourself, you have no right to judge me. (And you should eat ten Samoas in a row. Coconut is good for you.)