While I recognize most of us don’t interact with literal SUR waitstaff in our everyday lives, we all have that one hot mess of a friend who is too old to be doing whatever stupid shit they’re doing. And even those friends deserve gifts—gifts to better their lives or simply keep them distracted so they leave you the hell alone.
A paternity test kit
I mean, it’s only a matter of time. It’s actually rather surprising that accidental pregnancies aren’t a more frequent storyline in the Vanderpump Rules universe.(Of course, other than that time Jax cheated on Stassi with that waitress in Vegas and maybe got her pregnant.) Knowing who your real parent is is great and all, but it’s most important to know so the father can immediately get a job at SUR and take his rightful place in the cast. (Rapid DNA Testing, $104)
A fancy hair straightener
If you spent approximately 22 percent of your life grooming, you too would want some high-quality tools to get the job done. This particular straightener has supposedly been optimized to work well on color-treated hair, which will certainly be good news to this crew. (Sephora, $249)