Giant Testicles Are Modern-Day Oracles of Men's Health

Wow, we are truly living in a period of testicle-trivia Enlightenment. Do you remember the ignominious and dark Days of Old before we knew that testes had taste buds on them? I shudder to recall it.

Thank Priapus (the Greek god of male genitalia — but you probably already knew that!) those days have ended. And praised be Priapus for the new awareness that’s been afforded to us: men with larger testes have a heightened risk of being taken to the hospital with heart problems. In the future, you’ll be able to have your ballsack read by a fortune teller and all the mysteries of the universe will be revealed to you. Testes volume is the new lifeline.

Past research suggests that larger testicles are a sign of fertility; this new study, which comes out of the University of Florence, is far less positive. Researchers followed the health of 1,395 men over the course of seven years and found that those with large testicles tended to have an increased risk of heart disease. On average, they’re also heavier and more likely to drink in excess, and they typically have higher blood pressure. The researchers found that men with larger manbits have higher levels of luteinizing hormone (LH), which controls testosterone production; they claim that LH may be harmful to the cardiovascular system.

However, it’s worth noting that the sample population was culled from men with sexual dysfunction, who can often have other forms of health problems, so the findings aren’t all that conclusive. Says Giulia Rasterelli, the lead researcher:

Further studies are needed for clarifying determinants and mechanisms of testis enlargement that… could mediate the increased incidence of major adverse cardiovascular events.

Hear, here! More testicle studies! Everyone grab a testicle-volume measuring device (what does that look like? A graduated cylinder? A string and a tape measure? The hand of a renowned mystic and spiritual guide?) and get to work.