Game of Boners: This Is Torture Porn

Welcome to Game of Boners, your weekly tally of all the nudity that appears on everyone’s favorite fantasy fuck fest, Game of Thrones. Every Monday, we will recap each boob, buttock and sex act that appears on camera, along with some other fun facts from the episode that may or may not have anything to do with sex whatsoever. Keep a box of tissues on hand because Winter is definitely coming.

It’s not uncommon that Game of Thrones gets accused of being torture porn — senseless, objectifying violence combined with senseless, objectifying sexual imagery — but it is rare that I can whole heartedly agree that it is torture porn. For the most part, the violence in Game of Thrones tends to serve a purpose (the nudity, slightly less so, but — hey — it’s not TV, it’s HBO). Ned Stark needed to lose his head so the story could continue; seeing Ros impaled with arrows like Saint Sebastian (though many of you may disagree with me here) actually said something about how disposable women are in Westeros; even the scene with Theon getting his finger flayed from the muhfuckin’ bone had a point. This week, however, the show managed to teeter over the thin line that they’ve drawn for themselves and fall onto the wrong side. The violence became meaningless, exhausting and on top of all that, they managed to add boobs and some anachronistic pubic hair. Cool.

As much as I’d love to skip over the whole thing and pretend like it never happened, we once again have to talk about Theon, the unnamed man and the torture chamber. This week, Theon is awoken by two broads in loose fitting gowns as they start treating his wounds and speaking in baby talk to each other. “She was gonna be a Westerosi witch nun,” one of the girls says as she begins to undress the other. “But she was too hoooooorny.” “Is it true what they say about your ding dong, Theon?” the ex-communicated/now naked girl asks as she writhes on top of them. (Have there been rumors about Theon’s ding dong?) Oh, good! And now the other girl is naked, too.

The scene isn’t sexy. The entire time, Theon is terrified and begging for their help. He’s scared out of his mind that the unnamed man will came back and even more scared about what will happen to him once he does. There are few things more upsetting than watching person respond to another human being’s desperate, panicked pleas with nothing more than an unfeeling smile, no matter how perfectly groomed that person’s landing strip is. Of course, Theon was right to be afraid. The unnamed man, who was once so cute as Simon in Misfits, comes back the moment that Theon’s aroused and possibly cuts his dick off with a knife. At least we’re left to assume that’s what happened — I guess we’ll find out for sure next week. CAN’T FUCKING WAIT.

So what purpose did that scene serve? It certainly wasn’t to further the story. We’ve already seen Theon almost get raped. We’ve already seen him get tortured. Whether you care about his well-being or not, the point is that you already know everything they showed you so the only way I can fathom the scene being necessary is A.) people out there are entertained by watching someone exist in a state of intense fear and pain or B.) they hadn’t yet met their seasonal tit quotient yet. Some will defend the scene with a “But this is the Game of Thrones universe! It would be disingenuous not to include prolonged scenes of torture!” Sure. Fine. But if that’s the case, then it’s also disingenuous to include any woman with a bush smaller than a bramble patch.

Sex came up a lot during last night’s episode — even more than usual, which is saying something. Sansa and Tyrion are both scared of coupling off with each other, Tyrion because Sansa is so young and Sansa because Tyrion isn’t as handsome as Loras. (Check out Twitter, Sansa, allllllll the girls are #teamdinklage.) They both get advice from their confidants — Tyrion from Bronn and Sansa from Margaery. Bronn’s suggestions are as brutish as can be expected and Margaery lives up to her name as a Tyrell and gives Sansa the most helpful sex talk that she’s probably ever gotten. “Some women like tall men. Some like short men. Some like hairy men. Some like bald men,” she says. “Gentle men, rough men, ugly men, pretty men, pretty girls. Most women don’t know what they like until they’ve tried it. And, sadly, so many of us get to try so little before we’re old and gray. Tyrion may surprise you. From what I’ve heard, he’s quite experienced…We’re very complicated, you know. Pleasing us takes practice.” Guard this friendship, Sansa. Guard it close.

Despite Jon’s lack of experience, he and Ygritte have discovered exactly what they like, which, as it turns out, consists mostly of clumsily talking dirty and shouting catchphrases at one another while they tromp across the moors of Ireland. Of course, all the dirty talk takes a turn for the worse when Jon Snow realizes that Ygritte and the other Wildlings mission to take the south is really more of mission to get killed. “Yuuu know-uh nuthin’, Jown Snoow-ah,” Ygritte says for the billionth time when he tells her the ugly truth of the situation. Naturally, they then lean against a rock to French for awhile as everyone watching collectively starts to snore because ZZZZZZZ.

Ooh, at least one couple has good news! Robb and Talisa, King and Queen in the North, are excited to announce their pregnancy, but not before first rolling around in some pelts after Catelyn slowly and reluctantly leaves the tent. How nice! A baby! The heir of Winterfell! Who doesn’t love both of those things? What could go wrong? HAHAHA, EVERYTHING. Maybe Talisa’s vagina acts like a guillotine and chops the baby’s head off while it’s being born. Maybe the baby will be like Osha’s old boyfriend and come out as a White Walker. Maybe literally every terrible thing will happen because this is the Game of Thrones universe and it would be disingenuous not to include every terrible thing happening. Ugh, life was so simple when we were recapping Downton Abbey.

Ok, FINALLY. Jaime and Brienne. Jaime and Brienne forever and ever. Their goodbye, as Jaime departs for King’s Landing and Brienne awaits her undoubtedly violent fate at Harrenhal, was as sweet and tender as we’ve ever seen the two of them act. Jaime cries as he promises her to return the Stark girls to their mother (and a Lannister always pays his debts) and Brienne, in a beautiful moment of unguardedness bids him farewell with a “Goodbye, Ser Jaime” — not Kingslayer, but Ser Jaime. OH, the tears! How they fall.

Jaime doesn’t make it far without her. Sure, he could ride on, leave this whole mess behind him, but he and Brienne have grown to love each other too deeply for that to happen. He manipulates his escort into taking him back to Harrenhal and just in time, too. He arrives to find Brienne in an arena being forced to face off against a fucking grizzly bear with only a wooden sword to protect herself with the added insult that Locke’s men are making her do her fighting in a dress. Because two are better than one and these two are better than all the rest, Jaime drops into the bear pit to save her. That’s how he and Brienne work. She saves his life, he saves hers. She helps him cut his meat and he stops her from stabbing Roose Bolton in the eye with a knife. Neither is used to being rescued and yet they’ve both rescued each other so many times that they’ve been forced to share a new and vulnerable side with one another that no one else has seen. It truly is a friendship — I’d go as far as saying it’s a romance — of equals. Credits roll over a freeze frame of the pair high-fiving.

Please, George R.R. Martin (who actually wrote this episode), please. Let these two make it even if no one else can.

Nudity Stats!

Individual Boobs (female): 6

Individual Boobs (male): 4

Butts (female): 6

Butts (male): 2

Vag: 2

Wang: Zip

Added bonus: Check out these amazing Tyrion cookies that my friend Amy made!