Welcome to Game of Boners, your weekly tally of all the nudity that appears on everyone’s favorite fantasy fuck fest, Game of Thrones. Every Monday, we will recap each boob, buttock and sex act that appears on camera, along with some other fun facts from the episode that may or may not have anything to do with sex whatsoever. Keep a box of tissues on hand because Winter is definitely coming.
(The above clip is NSFW.)
First of all, friends, comrades, Sisters of the Black, let me apologize for missing last week’s recap. I went away on vacation, which is mistake I will never make again seeing as I missed writing up what was maybe the most exciting episode of the season thus far. Because I’m cursed, it seems only natural that this week we go back to all of the boring stuff — flaming swords, jar babies, resurrections and male full frontal. Jesus, Game of Thrones, can’t you make more things happen?
We started off this week tucked away in a cave with Arya and the Brotherhood Without Banners where Beric Dondarrion is preparing to fight the Hound in a trial over the Hound’s murder of Micah the butcher’s boy. If the Hound wins, the Lord of Light has declared him innocent. If he loses, he will burn. It’s rare to bet against the Hound, but, in this case, the Bros without Bs seem to have divine intervention on their side. “The night is dark and full of terrors,” they chant and suddenly, with help of a small blood tribute, Dondarrion is given a sword of fire. The Hound, as you likely recall, is no friend of the flame, probably because his sociopath brother held his head into a fire and burned half of his face off when he was a boy. That sort of thing will often leave a person with issues.
Even with the fire sword, Dondarrion fails to best the Hound. He gets run through and, much to the disappointment of Arya, appears to bleed out as the victorious Hound attempts to extinguish his now flaming shield. Never one to lack pluck, our young wolf pup attempts to finish of Sandor Clegane herself, but is stopped by Gendry — Oh, Gendry! — who, slightly older and wiser, realizes that it cannot end well for her. The Brotherhood doesn’t seem to take the situation too poorly. They’ve lost the Hound as prisoner, but little else as, with the help of some fiery voodoo magic, Beric is back on his feet again. He’s been murdered six times in his life and death has yet to keep him down.
Poor Arya on the other hand doesn’t just lose out on justice (Micah the Butcher’s Boy was her friend, remember), but she also loses her closest companion. Gendry, who has never had a real family or sense of acceptance before, decides to remain on and smith for the Brotherhood despite Arya’s pleas that he comes with her to serve Robb instead. “I can be your family,” she heartbreakingly tells him. “You wouldn’t be my family,” he replies. “You’d be m’lady.” And Gendry — WOOF — is done serving lords and ladies.
In another cave on the other side of the wall, Jon Snow and Ygritte’s dopey foreplay reaches a boiling point when Ygritte, after defending Jon Snow against Gareth Keenan, steals his sword (seriously?) and makes him chase her into a grotto where she strips off all of her clothes and says that if he’s really turned his back on the Night’s Watch, he needs to prove it by sticking it to her, which, quite frankly, is very coercive.
At first Jon is like, “No, my vows! I’m a bastard! My hair might get wet and then I’ll have to reset it!” but then he’s all “BOOBS” because, well, there they are. He’s a fast learner, by the way. After about two seconds of mutual mouth biting, he’s going down on Ygritte as she moans a very hoaky “You know nothing Jon Snow-0h-OH.” Flash forward a few minutes to when the pair of them lie cuddled up naked, sweaty and having that awkward “How many people have you slept with before me” conversation. Summary: Jon Snow, a maid until about 10-seconds ago, has pulled zero and Ygritte has about infinity because she hearts that D so much. That said, Jon Snow was the first to, in the words of Drake, be good with them soft lips so she’s immediately like, “I never want to leave this cave with you. I want to be with you forever.” Look, Ygritte, we’ve all been there, but slow your roll, girl.
Onto a couple that we actually care about. Brienne and Jaime are finally delivered by Locke to Roose Bolton at Harrenhal. Bolton, to his credit, knows how to treat a prisoner of war. Brienne is immediately freed and Jaime, whose wrist stump is horrifically infected, is given medical attention, but not before he hears news of whether or not Cersei is alive and well at King’s Landing. You know what’s funny about Jaime and Cersei? For as backwards as they are as a couple, I sort of root for them to make it. Sure, their relationship unseemly, but their love is totally pure. Just me? OK, then. Let’s never speak of this again.