Friends, we live in a dark, uncertain world. War, famine, prejudice, disease—sometimes the swirling tide of confusion is so strong that we fear we may be washed away entirely. And that’s why Jezebel is passionately committed to chipping away at life’s toughest and most overwhelming questions. Why are we here? Who, in our society, should be the arbiter of right and wrong? Why is space so big? And, of course, which sarcastic anthropomorphic turtle-child do you most want to have intercourse with!?
That’s right. It’s Fuck/Marry/Kill: The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles edition. LEEEEEET’S GOOOOOOOOO!!!
Leonardo
The case for fuck: Leonardo is obviously the hottest, uh, turtle thingy. He’s the leader, which means he’s confident, powerful, and cool under pressure, even when battling an evil pink space-brain that rides around in the body cavity of a large bald goon. (Come on, ladies, don’t TELL me that’s not on your list of turn-ons.) He’s also the oldest of the four, so, silver fox-turtle, I guess? Leonardo would probably be a thoughtful and libidinous lover, but would never overstay his welcome or get clingy. Turtle business, you know.
The case for marry: Oh, total wedding-bells material. ‘Nardo’s got ambition, drive, job security, and the kind of long-term stability that’s sure to keep steaming hot pizza on your family’s dinner table every fucking goddamn fucking night until you fucking die. Pizza, pizza, pizza. You love it. Eat it.
The case for kill: Come on. Dude’s kind of a snooze. Really? Your weapon is some swords? Were they out of library books and sleeping pills?
The verdict: Marry. Your grandma would approve. (Once she stopped screaming like a fucking maniac because of the TALKING TURTLE-MONSTER YOU BROUGHT TO THANKSGIVING, I mean.)
Donatello
The case for fuck: The thing that you have to understand about Donatello is that he does machines. So, yeah, he’s kind of a dork, but he’s also the least brutish of the turtles—a gentle, cerebral, intellectual partner who always makes pleasuring you with his weird, three-pronged turtle-hand his top priority. The other turtles want to fuck. Donatello wants to make love. Also you should see the stuff he can do with a bo staff (mainly just stick it in there, tbh).
The case for marry: Once fighting Foot-crime stops being a viable career, he could get a job at Boeing or something. Then at least you guys would have a nice pension to fall back on, and maybe you could upgrade to a 2-bedroom fetid sewer for your twilight years. Donatello seems open-minded enough that you might be able to convince him to eat foods other than pizza a couple times a month. Plus, he’d be super handy around the house, in case you needed to fix the boiler or fight off a marauding bipedal sunglasses-pig. And if you suddenly found yourself marooned inside the 1989 TMNT NES game, Donatello is obviously the best, because BO STAFF, so don’t argue with me.
The case for kill: Blah blah blah blah blah blah gadgets blah blah turtle science blah blah blah blah blah blah interface microchip fart.