Fuck, Marry, Kill: Mythical Creatures Edition

By Lindy West  |  August 2, 2013 | 8:45pm
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Between Twilight and The Hobbit and My Crazy Obsession with Being a Sexual Merman, I think it’s safe to say that the supernatural has never been hotter. But while it’s easy to be like, “Sure, I’d pound some vampire dong,” or, “Oh, yeah, I’d intercourse a werewolf 2NITE,” some of the 2nd-tier mythical hunks are more difficult to parse. Are gnomes sexual beings? Do you still want to naked-hug a merman after you’ve considered the fact that he has a fish penis? These are the questions that keep us Jezebels awake. But don’t worry—I’ve sorted it all out for you. JUST IN TIME FOR FRIDAY NIGHT. #noglovenolove

So let’s do this: F/M/K Mythical Creatures!

Merman

The Case for Fuck: Pretty much every single merman is a hottie with a naughty body, if you’re into that sort of thing—like, have you seen King Triton’s monster pecs!? Hey, KT, why are you elderly but with the body of a teenage Beastmaster? Do they have endocrinologists under the sea? Because I am scheduling you some bloodwork. Anyway, mer-people are hella conceited and bossy, but they’d probably be fun for a quick in-and-out. Downside: FISH PENIS. Also, for that matter, I don’t think fish even have penises. Don’t they just have, like, floppy anal fins that squirt out ambient sperms in the hope that lady-fishes will swim through their goof-cloud? Is that really what you want from your lovemaking!? To inadvertently swim through a miasma of stanking spunk and then call it a night?

The Case for Marry: Well, he is literally a king. On the other hand, oops, you just drowned and your eyeballs imploded from the water pressure.

The Case for Kill: IT’S A FUCKING FISH-MAN TRYING TO DRAG YOU TO THE OCEAN FLOOR WHERE IT PLANS TO USE YOUR DEAD BODY SEXUALLY. KILL IT. SQUISH IT. UUUUUGH KILL IIIIT IT HAS A FOOOOOOORK.

Centaur

The Case for Fuck: I mean, of course it’s important to think outside our comfort zones. If everyone said no to horse-humping, then we wouldn’t even have centaurs. Plus, centaurs have pretty much the same torsos as mermen—and, again, a lot of humans apparently prioritize massive shoulder meat over not having a terrifying horse-schlong. Whatever you say, freaks! SEE YOU IN THE MORNING, WATCH OUT FOR HOOVES.

The Case for Marry: They live on land, so they’ve got that going for them, plus they are tres intellectual because they get to go to horse college and human college. And they know all the secrets of the heavens, which is basically a sports almanac for the entire future. So right there you’ve got oxygen, conversation, and big buck$$$. ALSO you could ride your husband to work.

The Case for Kill: They were real dicks to Firenze.

Gnome

The Case for Fuck: I mean, at least it’s humanoid. A gnome isn’t some half-man/half-beast hybrid waving its dongstrosity in your face—it’s just a very small angry outdoor man. So that’s already 9000% less freaky than grinding on a fishmonster. All y’all insisting that mermen are “sexier” because of their hella ripped abs need to recognize that your body fascism is turning you into a wanton fish-fucker. Plus, gnomes have been around. I know everyone thinks it’s the awesomest to bang, like, 20-year-old Adonises, but eff that! It’s all about the 120-year-olds. Those dudes know all the crannies.

The Case for Marry: Gnomes are reliable as shit—they literally just stand still in one spot, motionless and smiling, for centuries, until their bodies erode and decay due to the inexorable march of time. Also, they really commit to a look and stick to it. I bet they would stick to you too! Thirdly, pocket husband!!!!!

The Case for Kill: It’s basically an ancient baby with a beard climbing all over your secret places. Don’t just kill it—kill everything.

Verdict: Fuck centaur, marry gnome, kill merman.

Images via Shutterstock.

 
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