Fuck, Marry, Kill: Mythical Creatures Edition
LatestBetween Twilight and The Hobbit and My Crazy Obsession with Being a Sexual Merman, I think it’s safe to say that the supernatural has never been hotter. But while it’s easy to be like, “Sure, I’d pound some vampire dong,” or, “Oh, yeah, I’d intercourse a werewolf 2NITE,” some of the 2nd-tier mythical hunks are more difficult to parse. Are gnomes sexual beings? Do you still want to naked-hug a merman after you’ve considered the fact that he has a fish penis? These are the questions that keep us Jezebels awake. But don’t worry—I’ve sorted it all out for you. JUST IN TIME FOR FRIDAY NIGHT. #noglovenolove
So let’s do this: F/M/K Mythical Creatures!
Merman
The Case for Fuck: Pretty much every single merman is a hottie with a naughty body, if you’re into that sort of thing—like, have you seen King Triton’s monster pecs!? Hey, KT, why are you elderly but with the body of a teenage Beastmaster? Do they have endocrinologists under the sea? Because I am scheduling you some bloodwork. Anyway, mer-people are hella conceited and bossy, but they’d probably be fun for a quick in-and-out. Downside: FISH PENIS. Also, for that matter, I don’t think fish even have penises. Don’t they just have, like, floppy anal fins that squirt out ambient sperms in the hope that lady-fishes will swim through their goof-cloud? Is that really what you want from your lovemaking!? To inadvertently swim through a miasma of stanking spunk and then call it a night?
The Case for Marry: Well, he is literally a king. On the other hand, oops, you just drowned and your eyeballs imploded from the water pressure.