Fox News Host Freaks Out About Torture Report: 'We Are Awesome!'

Today the Senate Intelligence Committee released a 500-page, utterly damning, thoroughly horrifying report on the use of torture by the Central Intelligence Agency against terrorism suspects. Among its many hideous highlights: detainees were deprived of sleep, threatened with death, forced to submit to medically unnecessary “rectal feedings,” and waterboarded to near-death in a setting referred to as a “dungeon.” The CIA also misled Congress and the White House about the brutality of their techniques and their limited effectiveness, and wrongly held at least 26 people who there was insufficient evidence to suspect of committing terrorism.

Over at FOX News, the quickly developing position is, of course, that the torture report shouldn’t have been released. The American people don’t have a right to know a single thing about the atrocities being perpetrated in our names; in fact, merely reading said torture report means you have to turn in your badass American passport and accept a French one instead, along with a dumb little beret stapled permanently to your head.

As far as FOX host Andrea Tantaros is concerned, the report is merely another sinister Obama-led plot to embarrass America. As Raw Story was first to report, she put that one right out there today, telling a panel of fellow genuises, “This administration wants to have this discussion to show us how we’re not awesome.”

“Sunlight at the CIA?” she sniffed. “I’m sorry, that’s one place I don’t need sunlight. I don’t think they need to give me a lot of transparency at the CIA. Look, thousands of Americans were killed after 9/11. The Bush administration did what the American public wanted, and that was do whatever it takes to keep us safe. These terror tactics have been stopped, because as a country we decided we are better than this, so we stopped them.” (By “terror tactics,” she means ours. Not the other guys.)

The conversation, Tantaros says, is over, and bringing it back up is just more Democratic sniveling.

“The United States of America is awesome,” she said. “We are awesome. But we’ve had this discussion. We’ve closed the book on it, and we’ve stopped doing it. And the reason they want to have this discussion is not to show how awesome we are. This administration wants to have this discussion to show us how we’re not awesome. They apologized for this country, they don’t like this country, they want us to look bad. And all this does is have our enemies laughing at us, that we are having this debate again.”

The entire panel agreed that the Real Conversation should be about what Everybody Else in the World is doing wrong: the “Middle East” (all of ’em), Russia, ISIS, North Korea — anything besides Americans using torture.

Tantaros added, too, that this is probably all a plan to get the Other Guys to stop beheading Americans: “They believe if we can just shame ourselves and convince the world how horrible we are, and put us on a moral equivalency with all these other countries, then maybe they will stop beheading Americans and putting our heads on sticks. They’re fools.”

Everyone slam the torture report shut and pretend not to have seen it: FOX has spoken.