Finally! A Foolproof Step-by-Step Guide to Dealing with Internet Trolls

By Lindy West  |  May 25, 2014 | 9:00pm
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Trolls suck. I know. But don’t worry, internet friends! Because after years of investigation and experimentation, I’ve finally nailed down EXACTLY how to deal with trolls and succeed every time. Just follow these steps to the letter and you’ll be troll-free in no time.

Step One: Gather your supplies. It’s important to keep everything within easy reach when dealing with a troll, because you don’t want the troll to accidentally squirm off the table and injure itself. Even stepping away momentarily can place your troll in danger. Set up a designated area in your home where you deal with all your trolls, and keep a bag packed for when you need to handle trolls on the go.

Step Two: Wash your hands vigorously in hot water with plenty of lather. Dry with a clean towel. You don’t want to transmit any germs to your troll’s sensitive parts.

Step Three: Lay the troll down on a soft, non-abrasive, washable cloth or blanket. You may wish to use a disposable, absorbent Wee Wee Pad, to avoid having to launder the cloth after every troll.

Step Four: Undo the snaps and/or velcro on the troll’s onesie. Remove it entirely or roll it up under the troll’s armpits. Also remove the troll’s tiny socks and set them aside.

Step Five: If your troll is fussy, speak softly to it and place one hand reassuringly on its abdomen.

Step Six: Gently undo the adhesive strips or pins securing the troll’s used diaper. Place the troll’s feet together, grabbing both of its ankles with one hand. Lift the troll’s bottom half gently, and, with your free hand, use the front half of the diaper to wipe any loose feces that maybe clinging to your troll’s butthole. If your troll is male, it’s a good idea to cover its penis with a cloth, because trolls tend to urinate wildly while being changed.

Step Seven: Fold up the poopy diaper and set it aside.

Step Eight: Use baby wipes to remove any lingering poop and dried urine from your troll’s genitals. Make sure to check between the cheeks. Inspect to see if any hot diarrhea escaped from the diaper and smeared up the troll’s back all the way to its hairline. You may need a large number of wipes to get the troll completely clean.

Step Nine: It’s extremely likely that you’ll find your troll’s buttocks and genitals to be red and chapped from diaper rash. Don’t worry—this is very common. Apply a thick coating of Vaseline or a diaper rash cream to the affected areas.

Step Ten: Lifting the troll’s bottom half by the ankles again, slide a clean diaper underneath and then lower the troll. Fasten the tabs so that the diaper is snug, but still comfortable. You don’t want to pinch the troll’s tender, delicate skin!

Step Eleven: Place the dirty diaper in an airtight rubber bin. Wash your hands thoroughly. Mail the diaper to the troll’s mommy. Dress the troll in its favorite widdle outfit and abandon it at a gas station. Now never think about it again.

Image via Shutterstock.

 
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