Every Team That Restricted Sex at the World Cup Has Been Eliminated

Ergo, sex enables winning. Right?

Unfortunately for the frequently laid among us who inspire to be winners like Neymar, the amount of research into the link between sexual pleasure and athletic performance is thin, at least according to sex researcher Terri D. Fisher. Writing at the Guardian, she observes,

… all the teams with public anti-sex policies at the World Cup have been knocked out. Much of whatever coaches think they know about the relationship between sexual release and athletic performance, however, is myth. What little actual scientific research has been done suggests that sexual activity the night before a game may be helpful if it results in relaxation and a good night’s sleep, but there has been far too little research. Indeed, there is no evidence whatsoever that being in a sexually deprived state will help athletic performance.

Fisher speculates that research is sparse because people are prudey about researching sex as a fun activity that relaxes people instead of a scary activity that could give people a terrible rash. We deserve evidence! she earnestly argues.

For now, at least, it’s fun to imagine that sweaty soccer fucking is behind (heh, behind) the eventual winner of the World Cup’s success. And while we can’t say that sex leads to winning, at the very least, we can say that among this tiny sample size, placing rules on sexual behavior is definitely correlated with losing.