Every Single Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 Review Is a Damn Masterpiece

The sequel to the surprise 2009 hit Paul Blart: Mall Cop was released today, somehow, and literally everyone who’s seen it hates it. Its 0% score on Rotten Tomatoes isn’t good for Sony Pictures, but it’s pretty great for fans of movie reviews, because there’s nothing like reading a good burn.

The sequel apparently picks up where the first left off, but sends Blart to Las Vegas after his wife leaves him and his mother is run over by a milk truck (a detail pointed out by most critics). I will never see Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, but I plan on reading some of its scathing reviews twice.

Nothing aired by WikiLeaks could possibly be more destructive to Sony’s reputation than the release of “Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2”

– Justin Chang, Variety

…This is a slog to sit through, so glacially paced that at times it achieves an almost zen-like level of anti-comedy.

– Tom Huddleston, Time Out

If there’s a dark side to being a film critic, folks you better believe this is it.

– Chris Bumbray, JoBlo

Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2 has a subplot constructed around the pick-up artist concept of “negging.”

– Jesse Hassenger, The AV Club

One elderly woman gets run over by a truck, another gets punched in the stomach. The comic minds at work here are, shall we say, limited.

– Sara Stewart, NY Post

Despite the fact that she’s featured prominently in the credits, two-time Oscar nominee Shirley Knight disappears within the first few minutes of Paul Blart: Mall Cop 2, her character unceremoniously run over by a milk truck.

– Frank Scheck, THR

And my personal favorite:

I’ve said it before, and it’s worth saying again now: There is absolutely nothing that men can do or be — or neglect to do or be — no failing they can have, no emptiness they can embody, that Hollywood will not embrace as heroic.