Photo: Ian Moran / Creative Commons

On Friday, Billy McFarland, the 25-year-old co-organizer of epic logistical and financial fuck-up the Fyre Festival, issued a repentant statement via Rolling Stone on what exactly went down (as it collapsed in on itself) Thursday night in the Bahamas.

As you may already know, Fyre was intended to be the coolest, most debaucherous and luxurious festival experience ever, but turned disastrous so quickly (no musical acts, no housing, no food, aside from cold cuts), that the government of the Bahamas literally ended up apologizing for allowing these entrepreneurial hooligans to throw such a trash event in the first place. The other main organizer of the event, Ja Rule, issued his own non-apology apology yesterday in which he claimed that the festival was, “NOT A SCAM” and definitely “NOT” his “FAULT.”

I kind of like McFarland’s apology even better. For one, he really tells a story, often in the style of an online dating profile:

“I was a computer programmer, and after computers, the two things I love most are the ocean and, for some reason, rap music. So these three hobbies of mine somewhat led me to meeting my partner, Ja Rule.”

After the two took flying lessons together, they apparently felt up to throwing the most excessive rager the world had ever seen. So they picked an island location where, “there wasn’t any water or sewage.”

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Still, McFarland maintains in his letter that everything was fine until a “bad storm” cropped up on the morning of the festival, destroying tents and water pipes. Of course, this doesn’t necessarily explain the deli sandwiches, lack of performers, and the fact that McFarland’s ritzy guests would be sleeping in tents in the first place. That same storm apparently delayed flights as disgruntled festival-goers struggled to get the fuck out of the Exumas.

My favorite part of the letter is when Mcfarland writes, “We were a little naive,” and then, in the very next sentence, says that next year he will start planning the event much earlier. Dude, no, I am so sorry but it’s over. You need to do something else now that in no way involves planning extravagant island festivals.