Good people of the world, we are under attack. We are slowly and deliberately being annoyed to death by a petite British man who will henceforth be referred to as, Ed Sheeran. It is high time we stand up for ourselves.

Soldiers, to be able to defeat your enemy you must know your enemy, study your enemy, be prepared for his bullshit. That is why we are here. Ed Sheeran has got to go. If not just for our sanity, but because he seems hellbent on destroying every popular rap song that you know and love with a terrible acoustic version.

Yes, we must finally face the fact that Ed Sheeran’s supreme objective on this planet is to annoy us all to death and it’s time to fight back. Please review the information below and familiarize yourself with the enemy. Be prepared for a long battle—this one seems wily.

Identifying Characteristics:

  • Aside from a constant “doyyyyy” look on his face, Sheeran can easily be identified by a head of hair that says: I rolled around in a puddle, sauntered through a wind tunnel and didn’t give a shit because I HAVE NO SELF RESPECT OR AESTHETIC AWARENESS.
  • Perhaps Sheeran’s most striking physical characteristic are a number of hideous, crayon-colored tattoos including a grown-up Simba emblazoned on his chest and an arm that looks like the wall of a well-decorated second grade classroom.

Weaknesses:

  • He eats like a stoned college freshman—expect lethargy.
  • Posted this picture with the caption: “Me and my babygurl Gladys.” He may or may not be dating this chicken.

  • He does, in fact, need sleep like a regular human, meaning that there are 6-8 hours during the day where is unable to annoy the shit out of everyone.

Strengths:

  • He plays the guitar or something.
  • Has found an ally in Enemy #1, Taylor Swift, who we all know is insane and unpredictable. Be prepared for tactics that include: Making everything all about Taylor Swift, offbeat dancing and an incessant desire to make every person within her line of site her new best friend.
  • Is able to execute high-level security breaches:
  • Skilled at the art of propaganda, as evidenced by his Wikipedia page:
  • Musical recording artist, The Weeknd, recently shared this anecdote with GQ Magazine:

I wrote a song with Ed Sheeran that was kind of spontaneous. He was hosting the Much Music Awards in Toronto and I invited him, and pretty much the entire awards show, to my condo to party. It went on until about 5 in the morning but we didn’t write the song until that next day, so you can imagine how that night went. Ed also did a freestyle battle with Waka Flocka in my kitchen. That was pretty dope. Good times.

  • This leaves us with only two logical conclusions: 1) That Ed Sheeran is bolder and less self-aware than any of us could have possibly imagined and 2) There’s a solid chance he owns a gun, which he then held to The Weeknd’s head during this interview as he whispered softly: “Say my freestyle was dope, Abel. Say it was dope.”

Special Tactics

  • Ed Sheeran’s horrible, thoughtless uncle introduced him to rap music—actually, he introduced him to Eminem, but you get the point. Since then, Ed has used this art form, historically reserved for black people and cool people, to destroy the world and all sense of decency by covering rap songs with his fucking guitar as if Karmin hasn’t hurt our souls enough.

  • Relatedly, he uses a similar strategy on Twitter because isn’t it just downright adorable when scarecrows say cheeky things like this to show how down and in-the-know with the hipness they are?
  • This picture, because the only logical assumption is that he shape-shifted and posed as a beautiful woman in order to convince Rick Ross to take this photo, only to switch back to his usual annoying self just as the camera snapped.

Secret Weapons

  • For some unknowable reason, Jay Z and Beyoncé like to collect the affections of painfully lame white people (see: Gwyneth Paltrow, Taylor Swift) and apparently that includes Ed Sheeran. They’ve attended one of his concerts after which he took them to some shitty bar and Ed ran his mouth aaaallll about it. At this time we are unsure as to the seriousness of his relationship with the couple but please be prepared. The Carters are not to be harmed during this mission.
  • An eerily similar wax figure. Do not confuse this terrifying decoy with the real target.

Be vigilant. Be brave. Together we can stop Ed Sheeran.


Contact the author at kara.brown@jezebel.com .

Advertisement

Advertisement

Images via Getty, Taylor Swift’s Instagram. Lede image via Bobby Finger.