Drive Your Mom Wild With These Mom-Pleasing Tips

You know what all the other girls will be doing for their moms this Mother's Day — the brunching, the mimosas, the cards, the pedicures — YAWN! We here at COSMOMPOLITAN know you're not like those other girls; you're a fun fearless female offspring who wants to make this Mother's Day one that will have her gossiping with her Mom friends about how her daughter just blows her away, every time! So check out our Mother's Day suggestions for how to drive your Mom absolutely insane with desire to get you out of the house.
  • If your mom's conservative, try to meet and fall in love with an undocumented immigrant.
  • If your mom's a liberal, date a black Republican. This might take some searching, but trust me, it's worth it.
  • Tell her you'll "Vine" her your Christmas list.
  • Set her phone's ring tone to something loud and embarrassing, then change the language on her phone so she can't figure out how to fix the settings. Song suggestions: "Booty Whop" by Big Freedia, "I Fuck With That" by Gucci Mane, "Angel of Death," by Slayer, or one of the many sex jams you probably already have on your iTunes machine, you harlot.
  • Move back in.
  • When your mom asks why you haven't called her in 2 weeks, reply nonchalantly that you've been fucking or wasted off rum soaked tampons.
  • Find your real dad and set the two of them up on a surprise blind date. If you already know who your real dad is, hire an actor to pretend to be your REAL real dad. Let the date go on for far too long before you and Ashton Kutcher run out and announce to your mom that she's been Punk'd. Also — sorry, should have mentioned this earlier — you need to become friends with Ashton Kutcher, or somehow get him to owe you a lot of money and do you this one favor.
  • Leave the house in an outfit that practically shows your YOU KNOW WHERES to the entire world, young lady.
  • Major in Art History (conservative/corporate mom) or Business (artist/writer mom). Or English (all moms).
  • Run a background check on her. Make what you find into a scrapbook, and give her the scrapbook as the sweetest Mother's Day present ever.
  • Post tons and tons of pictures on Facebook of you making that gross oral sex tongue face. Tag your tongue as your mom.
  • At 4 am on Mother's Day, send her 15 texts in a row that read 911! Emergency! Emergency! Emergency! Need 2 talk 2 u ASAP! Then turn your phone off. At noon, call her and tell her the emergency is that you love her very much and hope she has a critically fun Mother's Day.
  • Tell her you only like her as a friend.
  • Remove your scrunchie from your hair and, while maintaining intense eye contact, put it in her hair.
  • Neck tattoo of her face.
  • If you have more than one child, train your children to speak to her only in unison, and only with varying pitch levels so they sound like the twins from The Shining.
  • Fail to find a nice Jewish boy (if you're Jewish and your mom cares). Find a nice Jewish boy (if you're not Jewish and your mom cares).
  • When hugging, focus on cracking her back. A well-kept secret of moms is they love amateur chiropractic work.
  • If your mother cooks, make up a new eating-based lifestyle called "restaurantarian." When you visit her house, inform her that your choice dictates you dine only at restaurants and consume no home cooking, as home cooking is emblematic of the mid-century American woman's de facto slavery to the patriarchy.

Image by Jim Cooke; photo via Getty.