Dolphin-Assisted Births Seem Like Questionable Life Choices
LatestDolphins are magical, highly-intelligent creatures that play with surfers, save drunk people from riptides, and jump over the rings of Lisa Frank’s neon-splattered Saturn. They’re cosmic beings, dolphins are, in direct communication with the undying essence of the universe, privy to the semi-divine thalassic secrets buried deep in our oceans (read: aliens). They’re also murderous rapists with a taste for blood and the capacity for unlimited cruelty, both to their own kind and to other hapless sea creatures, like the cartilaginous puppy dogs we so derisively call “sharks.” A dolphin might bludgeon you to death with its snout just as quickly as it might nuzzle you, and you’d never know it because, no matter how many anthropomorphic qualities of intellectual expression you may have attributed to dolphins, you’ll never really understand what they’re thinking. That’s a big reason why you really shouldn’t ever consider having a dolphin-assisted birth, no matter how many serene transients you’ve heard rave about its therapeutic effects.
The news cycle is usually pretty slow over a holiday weekend, which inevitable lassitude paves the way for articles like this short profile of an affable enough couple of itinerant baristas who’ve decided to welcome their first child, Bodhi (because, obviously its name would be Bodhi), into the world via a dolphin-assisted birth. In Hawaii. Sounds magical, right? Adam and Heather will take their winter-pale skin and sandy dreadlocks all the way to Hawaii and let their son be coaxed into the world by a purportedly helpful dolphin and dolphin guru Star Newland, founder of the The Sirius Institute, and they’re going to carry the whole thing off without a trace of irony:
It is about reconnecting as humans with the dolphins so we can coexist in this world together and learn from one another,” says Heather.
The couple hopes to find this connection during prenatal and postnatal swims with the dolphins.
“Having that connection with the pod of dolphins anytime – even if the birth doesn’t happen in the water – still brings peace, comfort and strength to the mother and baby during labor,” says Heather.
They believe a dolphin-assisted birth will be calming experience and beneficial.
“It’s total relaxation for the mother,” says Adam. “Dolphins are very intelligent and healing which in turn calms mother and baby for the whole process,” adds Heather.
It wouldn’t be at all difficult to mock Adam and Heather, but they seem really sincere, and making fun of sincere people is like making fun of folk music — after a while, you start to realize that you’re the asshole. It becomes especially hard to mock Adam and Heather when you read this detail about their life together: