Doggy Style Gets Rebranded as 'Petit Fours'

By Kate Dries  |  April 10, 2014 | 7:30pm
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Following up on the success of their “Sex Oympics” feature and, before that, advice about how to put a condom on with your feet, Cosmo continues to kill it with over-the-top, maybe tongue-in-cheek spreads about ways to fuck. This month: sex recipes.

There is very little food in this feature called “SEXipes”; instead, it’s devoted to renaming positions that you’re probably aware of already. For instance:

  • sucking on a guy’s balls after holding ice in your mouth: amuse-bouche
  • stripping: Salad course: Strip Steak Salad
  • making out against a wall: A Martini, straight-up
  • doggie style: Petit fours

Other SEXipe options: Finger foods (Dueling Dragons Sushi Roll, Sliders, Raw Bar), Prep work (Butter the chicken, which includes a quote from Julia Child) and the Morning After Scramble which consists of just…having sex again.

April’s issue with Khloe Kardashian on the cover had a few highlights as well. Cosmo started off strong by continuing their reign of bizarro cover lines. If someone could explain to me what a “moneybag at work,” a “heart in love” or a “pizza at play” is going to do make my life more kick ass, that would be most appreciated.

The magazine would also like to help you have a “SEXORCISM.” For those not in the know, a “sexorcism” is when your vagina is haunted by the devil and you need a priest to fuck it out of you.

They also tackled “The Sex Stuff that Nobody Talks About” like big penises, tiny penises, sex that hurts, sex that’s over too soon, etc etc. I’m not sure if nobody talks about that stuff but I am sure that women don’t typically refer to their partner’s penis as a “gherkin” – unless they’re talking about the night they had over brunch and they happen to be drinking a particularly hearty Bloody Mary.

Did you know your vagina can look like a raisin and that’s okay?

The one thing that was pretty earth-shattering was the coining of the term “penis nostalgia”:

It’s a thing! (Now it is.)

Images via Cosmopolitan

 
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