Did you know that Taylor Swift had a twin sister? No? Well, that’s probably because like Elizabeth Olson — who was confined to the basement of the Full House house until Mary-Kate and Ashley’s careers fizzled — Swift’s banished her evil twin to Japan where she’s had to make a living selling hamburgers fries in a red wig.

The video for McDonald’s tomato burger — sounds delightful, I will take two! — has been around since 2006, but only today have people discovered the frightening connection between the model holding on to a hamburger as if her life depended on it and the then-fledgling pop star. Is this what Taylor’s been afraid of this whole time? Is this video going viral the first sign that her evil twin is coming for her and her entire list of Starbucks lovers, or could it actually be something a little more sinister?

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Bear with me, but I have a theory: Taylor’s been the evil twin all along. This model is actually the good twin and Taylor is the villain who’s usurped her place, much like, as Josh Kurp points out, Bart assumed Hugo’s place in that one Simpsons episode which I’d like to think Taylor Swift’s life is based on.

I know this is heavy news for a Friday, but it’s something that we really have to consider. How long are we going to let Taylor Swift get away with this kind of evil? The only way to make America’s streets safer is to lock her up and then give her a fair trial! AND NO, I’M NOT JUST SAYING THAT BECAUSE SHE WON’T RESPOND TO ME ON TWITTER WHY DO YOU ASK? I’m just very worried about America’s children!

Still don’t believe me? Well then how do you explain the following picture of Taylor inhaling the souls of the weak?

Images via Getty