Dirty Stinky Single Boys Never, Ever Wash Their Sheets

Here’s a romantic image to keep in mind the next time you follow a babe home for a one-night stand or a third-date humpathon: you’re probably snuggling up in other people’s toe residue and butt fumes and dried-out sex scum! And you’re rubbing your genitals on it! AH, YOUNG LUST.

According to a new survey by a UK mattress company, young single men reported that they only change their sheets an average of once every three months. Guh-roooooooss!!!!!

Here’s more, via Time:

Single women reported swapping linens every two and a half weeks, while couples claimed to change sheets every two weeks. Of those couples, the study found 81% of those washing the sheets were women. Of the 2,004 interviewed, on average men admitted to owning only one set of sheets while women estimated around three selections.

Though it’s clear that females are cleaner overall, the results found that age is a factor as well. For those who answered once every three months, 55% were ages 18 to 25 with men accounting for 71%, while those who claimed to wash sheets once a week were in the 35 to 50 age range. Of the weekly washers, 62% were female. Indeed, 17% of single men participating in the study admitted that partners found their unhygienic practices unnerving compared to just 2% of women.

Then some bed scientist had to go and add that humans perspire “as much as a liter a night,” and that human skin cells are the favorite food of “mites,” which “fester in mattresses and bedding, and also leave their feces behind.” Now, obviously, I GUFFAWED LIKE AN AIR-HORN at “leave their feces behind,” but that doesn’t mean that the gravity of the situation is lost on me.

People.

Stop living your life swaddled in cocoon of ancient sperms and mite shit. Bed is supposed to be a beautiful place. Yours can be beautiful too. You’re worth it.

Like, obviously I’m dismayed at the idea of people sleeping in feces-encrusted spider palaces, but I’m even more upset by the idea that so many young men are missing out on the singular pleasure of slipping a clean body into clean sheets. New-sheets-plus-shower-before-bed will body-slam you into some of the best sleep of your life, and you can do it on the reg! Any time! (In the pantheon of Best Sleeps, though, I still pine for post-college-finals-double-all-nighter 20-hour slumberdome.) Plus, it’s not even like you have to wash them with your hands—A BIG SQUARE ROBOT DOES IT FOR YOU AND THEN BARFS OUT PURE COMFORT.

Humans of all genders, if you’re not washing your sheets, you don’t know what you’re missing. Get on it.