Devastated Tweens Mourn the Engagement of One Direction's Zayn Malik

Stop battening the hatches. Get out of the basement. Put your storm chaser gear away. Those wails you hear echoing through the streets aren’t tornado sirens. They’re the cries of prepubescent girls. You see, Zayn Malik, One Direction’s sexiest little scrumpet, has gotten engaged to girlfriend Perrie Edwards and 11-16 year-olds across the world are experiencing their very first first heartbreaks.

Edwards, who Malik met in 2011 on The X Factor, first sparked speculation this past Tuesday at the One Direction: This Is Us premiere in Leicestor Square when she was spotted wearing a ring — sparkling with diamonds made from the crystalized boob sweat of Simon Cowell — on her engagement finger. Her mother has since confirmed the engagement, telling the Dorset Echo newspaper, “It’s official. I’m over the moon. They are really in love.”

In case you doubted her enthusiasm, Edwards’ mother also told the paper that Perrie and Zayn’s holy union is “perfect,” “fabulous” and “it’s wonderful because Zayn is absolutely gorgeous. It’s true they got engaged on Sunday and it’s absolutely lovely.” (Jeez, lady — if you love this engagement so much than why don’t you marry it? Hahaha, I kill me.)

Malik and Edward’s reps have confirmed the engagement, telling The Daily Mail, “Zayn and Perrie are engaged, but any further detail regarding their relationship is private.” Oooooh, private! That sounds fancy! How much do you want to bet that they end up tattooing on their wedding bands?

To all the sad tweens out there, stay strong. If I made it through watching all the Hanson brothers get married, you can make it through this.