[Long, drawn-out, blood-curdling scream]

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Welcome to the 7,000th Republican debate, where America cowers in terror before the candidates it has earned. Watch along on CNBC at 8 pm EST, where [blood-curdling scream, closer this time] frontrunners Ben Carson and Donald Trump will be center stage in Boulder, Colorado. Or, just read this without context and imagine that we all lost our minds simultaneously. [demonic laughter]

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Contact the author at erin@jezebel.com.

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Art by Bobby Finger.