Conservative 'Chicks' Finally Explain, Like, The Rules of Feminism

Feminism is like fashion or GOD — it can be whatever you want it to be. At least, according to a duo of conservative women who have decided that they are TAKING BACK THE FEMINISMS for the right wing of American politics like how feminists (and, more recently, Justin Timberlake) took back the night. So sit back, you book-reading reproductive rights harpies. You're about to be schooled.

"Here's What Real Feminism Looks Like," penned by two grown women who refer to themselves as "CHICKS ON THE RIGHT," lays down some pretty strong opinions and enough shadowsassing to get a lady at a Red Hat Society meeting in a red state some pretty serious high fives. The problem with feminism, explain the Chicks, is that it doesn't mean the same thing that the definition of feminism says feminism means. No, there's a new definition of "feminism," one that doesn't focus on social justice and equal opportunity for all women but instead focuses directly on... exalting the choices made by the Chicks on the Right and giving a manicured middle finger to everyone else.

Here's what the Chicks on the Right say feminism is:

  • "latchkey kids" who were "not coddled"
  • earning money "at a young age"
  • accepting of "consequences" for actions
  • "lov[ing] your husband dearly" and being super sad if they leave you for a "younger model"
  • "being OK" without that two timing sack of shit you made the mistake of calling your husband. You're better off without him anyway, CAROL.
  • "staring unexpected challenges in the face and saying 'I've got this.'"
  • "character"
  • knowing that "NOTHING IS FREE"
  • "she should have a way of providing for herself should that man cease to be in her life for whatever reason." (guess this means they're in favor of equal pay laws now, these Chicks?)
  • closing by asking some unseen reader to "pass the stilettos," so um writing with your shoes off I guess? I'm at a loss here.

Conservative 'Chicks' Finally Explain, Like, The Rules of Feminism

Here's what the Chicks on the Right say feminism is NOT:

  • screeching "WAR ON WOMEN!" the second [you're] faced with challenges. (Seriously guys quit screeching. All this time around feminists and my hearing is for shit, on account of the shrieking.)
  • "guilt-free abortions." A REAL FEMINIST FEELS LIKE SHIT.
  • "taxpayer funded contraception"
  • dressing up in vagina costumes and "hollering"
  • the phrase "lady parts." Actually, don't even talk about your vagina at all. Pretend like it's smooth and plastic like a Barbie crotch.
  • relying on a "Sugar Daddy" like a rich guy or the government
  • being liberal, which is the same as being a "parasite"
  • "Prince Charming"
  • being a sign-carrying "harpie"
  • using wit to draw attention to issues of reproductive justice
  • "relying on taxpayers to finance reproductive choices"

Conservative 'Chicks' Finally Explain, Like, The Rules of Feminism

Well there you have it, you fucking sponges. Each and every one of you basically just asked these two ladies to buy shit for your personal vagina and they're mad as hell and they're not gonna take it anymore.

I've gotta say — this article left me a little confused about my status as a feminist and a liberal. I mean, I was raised in a firmly middle-class house with two politically liberal and churchgoing parents who both had full-time jobs in a small town, I've worked since I was 13 years old, I can sew my own clothes and cook my own food and if push came to shove I could raise small livestock with a fair amount of competence, I work 60 hours and run 25 miles per week and I eat fairly healthy (except for all the candy) and I pay all of my own bills and don't litter and I give up my seat for old people and pregnant ladies and people in uncomfortable shoes on the train. Hell, I went to a Catholic university. I smile at dogs and babies. I try super hard to be decent and nice and I contribute to society to the best of my ability. I'm fine with paying taxes if it means society benefits. Fucking take my money, government. I was just going to spend it on TopShop accessories anyway.

My parents are going to be so disappointed when I tell them I've actually been a CHICK ON THE RIGHT this whole time.

A few questions, though, before we agree that everything academic feminists have written in support of social reinforcement of gender equality is wrong, wrong, wrong because Chicks on the Right say they are: Does it occur to the Chicks on the Right that... other women are people too? That other human beings who are not ourselves and our immediate families deserve access to living a dignified, healthy life? That it's actually more fiscally responsible for a government to assist low-income women in need of help obtaining contraception and other reproductive health care services than it is for the government to turn its back on these women? That some liberal "parasites" they so clumsily attempt to lump together are actually supporting themselves and believe that a sign of strength is when those who have the means help their neighbors rather than sanctimoniously sniffing "actions have consequences" and letting fellow human being struggle and starve?

What the Chicks on the Right are describing isn't "feminism;" it's "being an asshole."

Now, pass me the vomit bag. I've got a lot of throwing up to do.

[IndyStar]