CNN: Ladies, ISIS Is Coming for You With Kittens, Nutella, Fun Emojis

On Wednesday morning, CNN focused on the real targets of ISIS aggression: Western women.

In a very servicey segment, Carol Costello spelled out the ways that women in the West (you, your aunt, tiny baby Ariana Grande, dumb teens, sad moms, etc) are being targeted by ISIS, a group for murder enthusiasts that is using social media to manipulate women into thinking that life in ISIS would be pretty cool and fun. But don’t fall for it, ladies: it’s a trap.

Seems like if ISIS wanted to get me or any woman I know to join their dumb club, they’d have to make more changes than simply offering immature, uncoordinated cats and mass produced hazelnut spread. To even begin to consider joining ISIS, I’d need, at the very least-

• guaranteed hot running water (something that I don’t currently have in my Brooklyn apartment because I’ve chosen to spend way to much money to live in a city of garbage.)
• a quiet, dark bedroom (again, something I don’t have)
• lots of SPF (desert sun is bad for the freckled and melanoma-prone)
• flex time
• paid maternity leave
• a union
• decent tomatoes, year round
• the men must shower at least once every other day. They look like they smell fucking rancid in their videos. Visible stink lines, practically. I’m not trying to get intimate with any of them, but it’s truly distracting to work an environment of endless stench, and I can’t do it.
• organized viewing parties for The Bachelor, with people who don’t talk through the important parts but do talk through the inane parts.
• a Spotify Premium account
• get rid of the whole “religion” thing. Muslim, Christian, Jewish, whatever — I just can’t do any of that with a straight face at this point in my life.
• ease up on the murdering. Actually, don’t do murdering at all. No murdering.
• don’t do any maiming, either.
• change the name to something that isn’t psychotic.
• stop declaring war on people. They don’t like it. It is unchill.
• open up a New York office somewhere along the L, for ease of commute. I spent years trying to get here and hell if I’m going to move to the goddamn desert for even the fanciest of tent forts.
• adult cats, please. Kittens are cute, but they’re fucking dicks.

See? I was very close to joining. Thank goodness for CNN for setting me and the thousands currently trapped in American airports straight, and for bringing the focus back to how a movement that is actually impacting millions in the Middle East and North Africa might theoretically impact some lady currently in a suburban Cleveland Target checkout line.