Christmas Is Cancelled: Pumpkin Spice Condoms Are a Goddamn Hoax

First famine and war, and now this? Is nothing fair in this world?

It is with a heavy heart that I must report that Durex has squashed all rumors that a Pumpkin spice condom has ever existed or will ever exist in the future. And with that news, fall has gotten just a little bit colder and the holiday season seems a little bit duller and much more joyless. What point is Christmas if one can’t celebrate with a delicately spiced blowjob or a wintry-smelling safe sex celebration that tingles? What point, I ask you?

Oh, what could have been.

Buzzfeed spoke to a Durex spokesperson who told them that “Durex has heard that people are saying we launched a ‘Pumpkin Spice’ condom. We can’t claim this one, but we do love it when people spice it up in the bedroom.” Seriously? That’s it? That’s all you can give us after taking away one of the greatest ideas man has had since fire and underwear that you can wash and dry really quickly without the aid of machinery? You think we’ll be mollified by your banana and apple monstrosities? Well, think again, Durex, because we’ll never be mollified. And if people start spilling hot pumpkin spice lattes on their partners’ condomed genitals just to get a taste of what you could have given us, I hope they sue you when the prophylactic gets fused to the skin. Good day, Sir!