Christian Website Advises Avoiding Wife's Face if She's Not Into Sex

A Christian website that advises couples how to live according to the Bible’s gender roles has some cool and not at all misogynist advice for all you fellows out there. If your wife is bumming you out by reluctantly submitting to sex, just don’t look at her face!

According to a writer going by the name of Larry Solomon, women whose faces betray sexual disinterest should be treated like the snake-haired Medusa. (For those rusty on their Greek mythology, any man who looked upon Medusa’s face would be turned to stone.) In a column on his site, Biblical Gender Roles, Solomon explains:

“I know you love your wife, most men love their wives. But sin is ugly. Your beautiful bride’s face becomes ugly during this sinful time that she is grudgingly giving you sex as she grimaces wanting you to just ‘hurry up and get it over with.’

So like the men who could not look at Medusa’s face otherwise they would be killed, realize that if you look on your wife’s face when she is displaying a sinful attitude toward sex it will kill your sexual pleasure.”

Heed Larry’s words, guys. Don’t allow your sinful monster-wife to kill your godly boner or turn your dick to stone. It is written that men should shoot their wads; never forget that.

As Raw Story reports, Solomon adheres to the principle that “women who [do] not like having sex with their husbands should ‘fake it until [they] make it.’” But submission only solves half of the problem! However will our crusader spread his seed if his wife’s wickedness is bound to deflate his mighty weapon?

Solomon of course has the answer:

“Focus your eyes on her body, not her face. Focus on the visual pleasure you receive from looking at her body and physical pleasure you receive from being inside your wife.

I know you love your wife…You want to connect with her physically AND emotionally during sex. But your wife is the one refusing to connect with you emotionally, so you have to concentrate 100% on the physical side.”

Ah yes. Herein lies the key: fully and flagrantly objectify your wife. Imagine her as a faceless orifice, a sex doll to be used in your Christian ejaculatory efforts. I mean, she started it.

And remember ladies, a wife may only “legitimately ask for a rain-check” in times of sickness (don’t worry, she’ll “make it up to you tomorrow”), “after the birth of a child or surgeries, chronic pain flare-ups, deaths in the family” and other similarly acceptable circumstances.

You will be surprised to learn that our friend Larry has also argued that “Biblically speaking, there is no such thing as ‘marital rape.’” In a post titled “Christian Husbands — You don’t pay for the milk when you own the cow!” Solomon insists a wife’s “body does belong to her husband,” and that any requests for sex deferral should be made “humbly and gently.” After all, “sex is not about being in the mood, and it is not about feelings, it is about doing what is right.”

If you need me, I’ll be conferring with my coven on how to turn Larry’s dick to stone.