Christ: Smurfs 2 Hath Wrought a Fragrance. Nay, a SMURFUME

Today in Are You Fucking Kidding Me, there’s a new scent coinciding with the release of Smurfs 2. It is a SMURFUME. The target audience? Children between the ages of 5 and 10. FIVE.

According to WWD:

Among the olfactive notes included are pink pearl apple, melon and mandarin orange, and pink jasmine, angel white lilac and iris. They will be available in 50-ml. and 100-ml. bottles, for $14 and $22 respectively at Toys ‘R’ Us stores and at smurffragrance.com.

Kids like scents, of course — scratch and sniff stickers and so on — and little girls experiment with grown-up stuff like lip gloss and heels and nail polish. But what in the name of Gargamel are we doing as a society when a company gleefully sucks $22 away from parents so that a five year old can smell like apples? Such a money-grubbing markeing move. Also, can we talk about how the Smurfs live in the ultimate patriarchy; they are shroom-eating gnomes ruled by one father. PAPA SMURF IS AN OPPRESSOR.

Don’t worry, if you’re over 10 years old, there’s a fragrance for you, too: Smurfette Blue Magic, “billed as a more high-end scent targeting women between the ages of 13 and 30.” The bottle looks like a sex toy and the liquid inside smells like “oriental mandarin, pink pepper, red raspberry and peach blossom” with bottom notes of “wet leafy greens, hyacinth and transparent lilac, sheer amber, patchouli and bright wood.” And FYI: Antonio Lemma, chief executive officer of First American Brands, Inc. explains:

“Smurfette is a big celebrity and we are doing a celebrity fragrance. That’s the message we want to send out….She’s a fashionista, she deserves a fragrance.” The scent will be available at Toys ‘R’ Us and online.