Unlike other Jezebel employees, I don’t have a very strong opinion regarding yogurt. Sometimes I think it’s gross. Sometimes I think it’s fine. But indifference like that scares the folks at Chobani. They want people to love their brand of Greek yogurt passionately, and—as Greek yogurt sales begin to slow—are more intent than ever on injecting yogurt culture into our broader one.

One way Chobani plans on getting you to devour their “bacterial jizz” more frequently is with the addition of savory flavors like Sriracha Mango, which sounds sort of good until it suddenly sort of doesn’t. BuzzFeed reports the company “is preparing to launch a new line...at the start of 2016, all aimed at getting people eating more yogurt throughout the day.”

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Chobani’s “Chief Marketing and Brand Officer” Peter McGuinness spoke with BuzzFeed at length about his plans for the company’s future, and everything that came out of his mouth suggested that he might be a yogurtman—a man who’s literally made out of yogurt.

McGuinness said increasing their number of flavors by 16 over the next year “feels nice,” which is exactly what a yogurtman would say while watching his kingdom grow and diversify. “You can put a dollop of it in chili, a dollop in a fajita, a dollop on a baked potato instead of sour cream,” he continued, suggesting a struggle with FOMO that’s statistically common to yogurtmen. He later turned his attention to the enemy of all yogurtmen, sour cream, and declared that it “has no reason for being.”

“We’re just getting started,” he says in the piece’s ominous conclusion. I’m so-so on yogurt still, but I’m beginning to fear the yogurtmen.


Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

Image via AP