Chickens May Be Smarter Than Your Toddler

Hey parents! Guess who’s smarter than your toddler? Freaking chickens. Yeah, you heard right. Your kid is more idiotic than the chicken that was pulverized into a cute, star-shaped nugget you fed your little one for dinner last night. A new study sponsored by the Happy Egg Company (lol) has found that domesticated chickens are “something of a phenomenon.” They’re capable of mathematical reasoning and logic, self-control and basic structural engineering. The study also found that chickens have been planning a huge mutiny against humans the likes of Chicken Run. God help our claymations selves.

Professor of animal welfare Christine Nicol, through her study titled “The Intelligent Hen” (why not “The Clever Cock”? We’ll never know), discovered that chickens are capable of distinguishing numbers up to five with transitive inference- “the idea in logic that, if A is greater than B, and B is grater than C, then A is greater than C.” I’m preeeetty sure I messed that up on my SAT’s. Nicols also claims that such perceptive poultry can understand basic physics, with quick-witted cockerels being more interested in realistic diagrams over ones that wouldn’t be possible IRL. They also knew that even though an object was no longer in their sight, it still exists.

Perhaps the most telling result of the study, however, was the choice chicken’s ability to exhibit self control (Alright, you guys. I’ll stop with the poultry phrases). 93% of chickens understood that if they waited longer to eat food, they’d be allowed longer access to it. Have you ever tried explaining the concept of “FUCKING WAIT” to a toddler? They really don’t get it. Though the jury on whether chickens are ultimately smarter than your baby is out, I’m going to go ahead and say we should eat baby-nuggets now.