Images via Getty.

Wow, this is the second time Nicki Minaj has been drafted into the Super Petty Dome. Onika previously walked out with a somewhat unsatisfying win against Taylor Swift, but a win nonetheless. This time, however, instead of facing off in the ring against a willowy country-turned-pop star from suburban Pennsylvania, she meets Remy Ma of the Boogie Down Bronx’s Castle Hill Projects.

GET THOSE PLAYBOOKS OUT, CONTESTANTS.

Our competition today is going to regard present-day events only because this war has been long, but only one battle has been supremely entertaining. Also, the nitty gritty details behind origins of their mutual ill will aren’t all that interesting.

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One backstory you DO need to know, however, is that in 2007, Reminisce Smith shot her friend Makeeda Barnes-Joseph, who had been accused of stealing $1,000 from Remy, in the stomach. Remy turned herself in and was sentenced to eight years in the Bedford Hills Correctional Facility for Women. She was released from prison on August 1, 2014.

Other than that, all you really need to know is Remy and Nicki had a rocky start to their relationship and have been subetweeting each other in songs over the past few years. For her part, Remy largely denies that she’s been taking shots at Nicki specifically.

During an Breakfast Club interview in February, she was asked about her supposed beef with other female rappers:

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When you look at the history of Remy Ma, whenever I’ve had a problem with any female in the entire game, I will say your name. [...] I’m going to say your name! I’m going to say your government—I’m going to look it up and say your mother’s name, your father’s name, your kid’s name. Like, I want you to know that I’m talking about you.

She also added:

I don’t play fair.

JUST GET THAT DETAIL DOWN IN YOUR SCORESHEETS. HEEERRREEEE WEEEE GOOOOOOALLLLL.


First Lap

On February 23rd, Onika dropped a verse on Gucci Mane’s new track, “Make Love.”

Her verse included the following:

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I don’t see her/ Bitch I’m the greatest, no Kendrick and no Sia/I’m the iPhone, you the Nokia/ Everybody know you jealous, bitch it’s so clear/ Tell them bum ass bitches to play their role/ She see my sexy ass every time she scroll

Oooohhh, oh you the qu-e-e-the queen of this here?/ One platinum plaque, album flopped, bitch, where? (bitch, where?)/ Hahaha, ahhhhh/ I took two bars off just to laugh/ You see, silly rabbit, to be the queen of rap/ You gotta sell records, you gotta get plaques/ S, plural like the S on my chest/ Now sit your dumbass down/ You got an F on your test

This was widely understood to be directed at Remy Ma.

Ruling: Fouled at the 3-point line and made 2/3 shots


Balance Beams

Presumably having had enough of this shit, on February 25th at 7:03 am EST, Remy released “shETHER.”

The song opens with Nicki Minaj hollering: “Free Remy! You know what? Free Remy. Fuck you. Free Remy”

Ruling: Standing on the mound knowing full and well this dude is about to hit a home run


3rd Serve

You literally got a dumb ass

In this section, Remy Ma goes in on Nicki’s derrière, which is probably not real. Remy tells the story of running into Meek Mill at the NBA All-Star Game where he told her that Nicki’s butt fell or had to be replaced or some other detail I hope to never experience and how they could not have sexual relations for 90 days.

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What kills me is the specificity of that number which lends a great deal of credence to Remy’s claim. Like, sure, 90 days does sound like an reasonable amount of time for new butt implants to heal or set in or whatever they do.

Ruling: Oh


4th Half

And to be the queen of rap you gotta actually rap

Here, Remy undermines Nicki’s rapping abilities, and therefore, her entire career, by citing her apparent ghost writers and rumors that her ex-boyfriend Safaree wrote many of her songs.

You can’t get online without Safaree

GET IT???

Ruling: My


Triple Axle

Only time you touched a trigger is when you fucked Trey Songz

Some might argue Nicki is being slut-shamed here, but Remy does not seem the type. I think she’s trying to point out Nicki’s apparent hypocrisy. Nicki famously told Andy Cohen: “I’ve seen one penis for 10 years,” referring to her boyfriend at the time, Safaree.

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Soon after their breakup, she started dating Meek Mill. So, at least publicly, Nicki has only been with two men for the past 12 years or so. Remy is disputing this point. Of course, who Nicki Minaj does or does not have sex with is really none of our business but Remy obviously seems to care a great deal.

Ruling: Good


6th Field Goal Attempt

You cheated on your man with Ebro

Ebro Darden is co-host of the HOT 97 Morning Show. This is particularly scandalous because many believed Ebro to be married. However:

Who knows!

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For what it’s worth, Ebro denies the affair.

Ruling: Lord


HALFTIME


7th Match

You animated like Nickelodeon/You fake bitch/ Only the kids believe in you you Saint Nick

That is just some goddamn good rapping.

Ruling: Almighty


Backstroke

Way across the stage, talkin’ about “Miley, what’s good?”/ That’s Hannah Montana, she was always happy/ You only fronted on Mariah ‘cause Mariah don’t carry/ Tried to disrespect Taylor ‘cause Taylor wasn’t Swift enough

Remy is basically saying: You can pretend to be hard with those bony white girls, but that shit will not work with me. Also, you’ve been beefing with pop stars. Not only does Mariah not carry, Mariah was probably sipping champagne and trying on stilettos while she engaged in their so-called feud.

Ruling: Somebody


9th Quarter

You fucked the whole empire who you tryna be, Cookie?

PLEASE CHECK MY PULSE.

Ruling: Check


10th Rebound

And stop talkin’ numbers, you signed a 360 deal/ Through Young Money, through Cash Money, through Republic/ Which means your money go through five niggas before you touch it/ Any videos, promotions come out of your budget/ Endorsements, tour and merchandise, they finger-fuck it/ You make, like, 35 cents off of each ducat/ I own my masters, bitch, independent

Nicki has always prided herself on being a boss ass bitch and getting her money stacked, which is both fair and true—she’s worth an estimated $60 million. But this is just brutal.

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Remy clearly knows the only things Nicki can truly come back at her with are her album sales and her net worth—both of which trump Remy’s. But now, even knowing how rich Nicki is, any boasting will seem kinda hollow.

Ruling: On


11th Inning Stretch

But you point your fingers at me? I’m the bad girl/ When she the one out here misleadin’ the black girls?/ All these fake asses influenced by that girl/ Dyin’ from botched surgeries—what a sad world!

The enormous fake butt trend is of course not all Nicki’s fault. But implicating her in all this isn’t... wrong.

Ruling: Onika


12th Set

And I got a few words for the moms of the young Barbz/ Guess who supports a child molester? Nicki Minaj/ You paid for your brother’s wedding? That’s hella foul/ How you spendin’ money to support a pedophile?

Remy. Went. There.

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Last April, Nicki’s brother Jelani Maraj was indicted for allegedly, “repeatedly” raping a 12 year-old girl.

Remember when Remy said “I don’t play fair?”

Ruling: Jesus


Loop 13

You just got bodied by a Love & Hip-Hop bitch

Somehow I find this to be the rudest part of the entire song. Love & Hip Hop is entertaining and all but it really is a place for C-E list rappers/actresses/strippers/personalities to go for a safe check.

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What’s also clever is now, again, Nicki can’t really come back with a diss about her being on the show. Remy knows she’s on Love & Hip Hop and still whooped your ass. She basically pulled a reverse B-Rabbit on Nicki.

Ruling: Christ!


En Garde

Soon after the song dropped, Nicki unwisely took to Instagram.

Her first attempt tried to diffuse the massacre that had just taken place by pointing out the low sales of Remy’s latest album. I mean, alright. But girl. GIRL, DID YOU HEAR THE SONG?

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(I should also note, I crafted that tweet before the full weight of the song hit me. I of course now believe that it should be seven minutes, and possibly longer. I still wish this wasn’t happening.)

At some point, she deleted the first post and replaced it with a clip of Beyoncé calling her the “rap queen.”

Here’s the thing: Beyoncé is great and all, but I’m not sure she’s the co-sign you need right now. For starters, you know good and goddamn well Beyoncé isn’t going to say a word in your defense. As we all know, she sat back and watched her sister kick and scratch her husband—I don’t think she’s stepping up for you, boo!

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Also, though Beyoncé is a connoisseur of rap and a solid rapper in her own right, what you need is one of the greatest rappers of all time to defend you—AKA Beyoncé’s husband Jay Z.

But oops, remember when Jay jumped on the remix of Remy Ma and Fat Joe’s hit song, “All The Way Up”? It would be pretty awkward for him to backtrack now. Plus you know Beyoncé won’t let him get into this mess.

Final Ruling: You blew a 3-1 lead, lost to the Mighty Ducks then got knocked out by Muhammad Ali in his prime


Post-Game Press Conference

I mean MY GOD. Remy left bodies in the street. Not only did she not play fair, she was willing to rat out any damn body to make her point. There’s also the fact that Nicki sort of brought this upon herself. You should have kept your mouth shut, girl! You know you can’t out-rap Remy! How did you think this would end?

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Of course, it’s not technically over—Nicki still hasn’t released a musical response to Remy, though I’m not sure she should.

This was a tough match because I do prefer a world where these women get along. Still, I have to give them props for producing a more entertaining rap beef than Drake and Meek Mill did with only one diss track. It’s truly the 2017 hip hop battle we deserve.