Celebrities at Coachella Should Be Forced to Poop in Public

Imagine, for a sweet, fleeting moment, that you’re a Very Important Person at Coachella. Maybe you’re Lindsay Lohan or Audrina Patridge and you’ve had one Luna bar too many. Now you feel an urgency, which, since you’re a VERY IMPORTANT PERSON, should mean that you get to stroll off to a quiet little water closet that some conscientious Coachella plumber has set up in an idyllic glade designed so that celebrities like you can void their bowels in peace. However, that quiet glad has, in this nightmare scenario, been invaded by hideous normals, who force you to wait in line and consider your own mortality.

According to Randall Roberts of the LA Times, this was just one of the many grim realities that has manifested itself at Coachella 2013. Scores of ordinary people were spotted availing themselves of the VIP Port-A-Potties, a circumstance that threatened to tear down the diaphanous barrier separating the rich and famous from the proletariat. This is a problem that needs to be fixed, because if ordinary people start thinking they can defecate like celebrities, they’ll begin to believe that they can become celebrities and eventually be crushed by the impossible ambition to transcend their unfamous caste status. The best way to ensure this never happens? Build giant, gilded toilets, put them in the middle of the festival, and make all the ordinary festival goers watch how a rich and famous person goes twosies:

There were way too many supposedly “very important people” populating the VIP Port-A-Potties. As a result, answering nature’s call was much less special for the many billionaires, land barons and movie stars. As a way of further defining the capitalistic hierarchy that allows wealthy people to forego lines, sip champagne and eat foie gras while the masses huddle on picnic blankets wallowing in their own filth, the most special/wealthiest should be allowed access to a golden throne, one set prominently on the grounds so that everyone can see who’s actually important where it counts.

It probably goes without saying, but public celebrity pooping is probably the best idea anyone’s ever had for improving a music festival.