Cats Can Predict the Weather, Says Really Old Book

Are you tired of lousy weather reports delivered by cheesy so-called weathermen who promise sunny skies only to leave you stranded at the beach in a torrential downpour? Looking for a more reliable source for accurate weather predictions? Well, look no further than your favorite house cat. (I’ll wait. He’s probably sleeping under your couch again, waiting to swipe at your ankle when you walk by.)

These findings are all thanks to a book written in 1883 by H.H.C. Dunwoody, which NPR recently uncovered. In his book Weather Proverbs, which we should immediately replace all science books in the world with, Dunwoody documented a long list of folk beliefs about animals and their connection to the weather.

Most importantly, he stumbled upon the magical powers of cats to predict the weather.

Here’s a round-up, according to Dunwoody’s book, of all the things cats do and what weather patterns they actually predict, via Time.

When cats sneeze it is a sign of rain.
The cardinal point to which a cat turns and washes her face after rain shows the directing from which the wind will blow.
When cats are snoring foul weather follows.
It is a sign of rain if the cat washes her head behind her ear.
When cats lie on their head with mouth turned up [on their back] expect a storm.
When a cat washes her face with her back to the fire expect a thaw in winter.

I think you know what this means, people. The Cat Overlords hold all of the cards now. Fun time is over. Shit just got real. If they can predict the weather, my question is how far off are they from controlling the weather?

And who leaked this information to Dunwoody in the first place? Some Cat Overlord defector/traitor, selling secrets to the other side to help stave off our impending doom? Who kept Dunwoody’s findings secret all these years? Was it the powerful cat lobby that has its claws (SORRY) deeply planted into the pockets of Washington, D.C.’s power elite? So many unanswered questions.

This guy has a lot of other really great facts about other animals and their ticks that can alert us to weather changes. Also, here’s an interesting factoid I hope all of you immediately commit to memory: “In Texas, when cattle hasten to timber, expect a ‘norther.’ ” OH OK THEN!

I would just like to also point out that this book was commissioned by the U.S. government. That’s all.

I hereby urge all of you to contact your cable or satellite provider and demand the immediate removal of The Weather Channel from all programming lineups, as it now rendered totally obsolete. It’s obviously a total sham anyway. Who is really holding all of the cards here anyway—us or the cats? I propose a new channel be added: Cat Meteorology (or CM for short), featuring local weather updates, from local cats of course, at the top and bottom of every hour. In between they could feature cat traffic reports, perhaps. Updates on local cat news. I’m just getting carried away here, I know it.