Catholic Church Rules Gay Men Can Get Married -- to Lesbians

In a move that should surprise only those being cryogenically unfrozen after decades in suspended animation, the Catholic Church is officially okay with gay dudes marrying women and leading frustrating, unfulfilling lives of unpleasant sex. Their reasoning? When a penis and vagina — sorry, man and woman — get married, they have the ability to "consummate" the union via good old fashioned baby Catholic-producing bareback sex. If it can't make babies, God doesn't want to see it.

This head scratching/head desking rule comes out of the Philippines, where an entity called the Catholic Bishops Conference of the Philippines-National Appellate Matrimonial Tribunal (a real thing that exists outside of the world of Harry Potter) determined that gays and lesbians can get married until they're blue in the face, as long as it's to someone with different genitalia.

In the sort of snicker-inducing statement that can only come from the mouth of someone who truly doesn't realize his own growing irrelevance, Archbishop Oscar Cruz explained the ruling thusly,

May a lesbian marry a gay man? My answer is ‘yes’ because in that instance the capacity to consummate the union is there. The anatomy is there. The possibility of conception is there.

Not to split hairs, but didn't the Virgin Mary teach us that Catholic God can impregnate pretty much whoever He wants? I mean, she got pregnant as a unwed teenage virgin when an angel appeared and was like, "BOOM! PREGNANT!" I know it's never happened since, but the Church should never say never, especially when it comes to magical fetuses. But I digress.

While here in the US, we can feel free to thumb our noses at the Pope and his Pope-ettes, in the Philippines, the Church has much more influence over the daily lives of the country's civilians. Abortion is completely illegal there (per the constitution), and while dogged legislators have attempted to push for gay marriage, no efforts have yet succeeded. After this ruling, it's unlikely same sex unions will be officially recognized in the near future. No one wants to make the Pope mad.

A penis, a vagina, and hundreds of celibate men dictating what the penis and vagina should do together — the holy trinity.

[Philippine Daily Inquirer]