Can You Live With a BFF Who Not-So-Secretly Wants to Bone You?

Welcome to Friendzone, Jezebel’s column devoted to dealing with the valuable people in your life who you’re not humping. Got an issue and looking for guidance? Email [email protected]

My male best friend has once again expressed his interest in having sex with me. Last year he expressed this interest in me and I told him no because the dynamics of our relationship would change. This time I told him the same thing. I used to tell him about guys I would sleep with or guys that I fancied. He would give me advice but in hindsight the advice he gave me was totally biased. I feel uncomfortable telling him about guys now, though he swears he’ll give good, impartial advice. What should I do?

I once had a male “best friend.” “He’s seriously one of my best friends,” I’d tell people. “Mmhmm,” people would say, rolling their eyes. “No, he really is,” I’d protest. Now he puts his penis inside me on the regular and we’re talking about getting a dog named either Tyrion or Dragonbaby. People still roll their eyes.

Look, your friend wants to bone you. He’s never not going to want to bone you. You need to decide whether you can live with a BFF who wants to make hot sweaty fucks with you. I assume you’ve considered getting down with him and have ruled it out for good reasons, i.e. you’ve done a cost/benefit analysis and realized the potential risk (weirdness) outweighs the potential reward (L-O-V-E or at least F-U-N).

Even if he starts actually respecting your boundaries (which he hasn’t done so far), he’s still going to secretly want you to sit on his face. I think you ought to distance yourself from him. At the very least, quit telling homeboy about all the boner jams with other dudes. It’s just adding fuel to the fire that burns deep within his loins.

Rationally, objectively, I know that women aren’t bad. I am concerned about women’s issues and have compassion for many of the trials and tribulations that are inherent to the American female experience. Here’s the problem, though: I cannot bring myself to be close to a woman. Most of the women in my life have fit into the worst kind of stereotype. I love my mom, but she is disempowered and really emotional; she has a hard time making sound decisions. My step mom is really manipulative; generally, if she wants something from you, she will try to manipulate before asking outright. My two best friends in high school had toxic low self-esteem. Like, Mean Girls toxic. I intimidate some girls, but I still can’t bring myself to trust the ones that I don’t intimidate. I always feel like there’s something underhanded going on. It’s weird. I don’t feel this way about male friends. Thoughts?

For whatever reason – destiny or fate or random chance – you’ve had the misfortune to encounter a lot of uncool women in your day. These women disappointed you or straight-up hurt you. It’s no wonder you’ve developed a bit of a prejudice against the vaginal set.

That said, I think there’s a lot of hope. For example, I am a woman who fucking rules. I have many friends who fucking rule and are straightforward yet kind. And they in turn have many friends who are awesome. So good women are out there; you’ve just got to be open to finding them.

Here’s one way to start: make a list of famous women you think are amazing. They can be dead or alive. Then figure out which qualities you most admire about them. These are probably the qualities you’ll want to look for in a female friend.

Remind yourself to be open to seeing these qualities in the ordinary women you encounter each and every day. Also remind yourself that men can be manipulative and all the other negative qualities you associate with women. I think you’re giving guys a free pass and tarring all women with the same brush.

Make some real attempts to meet cool chicks. Seek out activities you don’t usually try. Visit places you don’t normally check out. Chat up the sisters and female friends of the men you so enjoy. Like attracts like, so chances are you’ll find some interesting women. Good luck!

I was supposed to get married last June, but my fiancé passed away suddenly. He was the love of my life, and I do not know if I will ever be able to even date someone again. My best friend was supposed to be my maid of honor but of course we had to cancel everything. Well, she’s getting married in a few months and she just showed me the bridesmaid gown she wants me to wear – it’s the exact same one I was going to have my girls (including her) wear at my wedding! She also took my theme, which was a country wedding with things like bales of hay as decorations, all country music at the reception, etc (I’ve lived on a ranch my whole life; she has always lived in the city.) When I confronted her about it, she said “Well you’re never getting married, and I liked the idea, so I thought I would do it.” How can I walk down the aisle at “my” wedding but not be the bride? Should I step down from MOH and leave her in a lurch, or be the friend I wish she was?

Jesus Christ on a gluten-free cracker, I thought last week’s tale of Bridezilla madness was the worst thing ever. But your story definitely takes the wedding cake. I want to tell you I’m very sorry for your loss, and I wish you all the healing and love in the world. Now I’m going to say terrible things about your friend, who is a war crime in a white dress.

Okay, your best friend is an awful person who sucks in many ways, I’m sure. No, you should not be the friend you wish she was. You should be the strong woman you actually are and say bye-bye to her and her shitshow of a wedding. If anyone asks you why, feel free to tell him or her exactly what you told me. Perhaps you might add, “Honestly, it just really creeped me out.” Because it’s creepy as fuck! Not to mention disrespectful and horrific. I even ran the story past fellow Jezebel writer-lady Tracy Moore at dinner last night, and she was equally disgusted. Then our friend Daisy opined that your BFF is an actual psychopath. I think she could at least be a sociopath. For reals. Take good care of yourself and cut this loser out of your life. Don’t expect all your mutual friends to do the same thing, but do expect them to be properly sympathetic and understanding of your reasons. If anyone decides to choose sides and actually picks Team Buttrag, then congrats! You’ve eliminated another walking, talking anal wart from your life.