Calm Down, Everyone! Tongue Eating Parasites Are Not in Your Tuna

This week, the world retched simultaneously as media outlet after media outlet reported that a UK woman had found a tongue-eating louse in her can of tuna. While that sentence is terrifying, it turns out that the truth is decidedly less so. Your tongue, friends, is safe for another day.

After conducting an investigation of the frightening creature found in the can of fish, Princes, the manufacturers of the tuna, have determined that what Zoe Butler found when she opened her lunch wasn’t the tongue-devouring cymothoa exigua that The Natural History Museum said it might be, but actually a harmless immature crab who had just been at the wrong place at the wrong time.

While Jason Tabrys over at Uproxx says he’s “good with this answer,” I can’t help but feel that Princes Tuna might be covering something up. Perhaps it’s because I’m writing this late at night after looking at pictures of tongue-eating parasites for several minutes, but I’d say it’s best to be careful when buying tuna (at least in the near future). I don’t want anyone’s tongue to disappear. That sounds awful and also painful. Maybe just not eat tuna for a while? Why not try tofu? That’s safe!