Snortable chocolate shouldn’t be a thing—your nose doesn’t have taste buds, idiots—but it is, and now, New York’s Senator Chuck Schumer would like the FDA to step in to regulate The Other Nose Candy. Has that joke been made yet?
In a letter on Saturday, Schumer asked the agency to investigate the presence of caffeine in “inhalable foods” like Coco Loko, a cocoa-based powder being marketed as a drug-free stimulant for $12.50 a bottle, which is $10 more than a tub of Nestle Toll House Baking Cocoa from Dollar General.
“This suspect product has no clear health value,” he said in a statement. “I can’t think of a single parent who thinks it is a good idea for their children to be snorting over-the-counter stimulants up their noses.” To be fair, mouth-chocolate doesn’t have much by way of health value either, but I see what he’s saying.
Manufacturer Legal Lean Co. says that in addition to cacao powder, Coco Loko also contains common energy drink ingredients gingko biloba, taurine and guarana. It claims to cause feelings of well-being, mental focus, ecstasy-like euphoria and a rush of “motivation that is great for partygoers to dance the night away without a crash.” This, to me, is the biggest red flag. As my mother always told me: If it makes you feel like you’re on ecstasy without any of the consequences, it’s probably poison.
The FDA previously said that it’s not sure whether it even has the authority to regulate snortable chocolate, but it’s not like its 29-year-old creator, Nick Anderson, hasn’t done his research. It took him two whole months and ten tries to develop a recipe he deemed passable, telling the Washington Post that “some versions, they just burned too much, and “other times they looked gray and dull, or didn’t have enough stimulants.”
I guess on the eleventh try he achieved just the right amount of stimulant-burn, like a cracked-out Goldilocks. Or he just got bored and said fuck it, this will do. Americans don’t have the nasal palate to discern the good stuff anyway.
Also, as the AP put it: “Anderson said he didn’t consult any medical professionals but believes Coco Loko is safe.”