There are so many ways that a romantic night under the stars can go wrong: Birds can poop on you, monsters can crawl out of the sea to eat you, your mom could call in the middle to tell you about her anal polyps. A vagina exploding with menstrual blood, however, is a completely new one.
This tale of woe comes from redditor Uterinestench, who is either telling the truth, lying on the internet (would people really do that? Just go on the internet and lie?) or is just a really creative storyteller who wants to let everyone know that you're not supposed to leave your mooncup inside you for 14 days. Because nothing says "the thrill is gone" like a geyser of thick, syrupy blood covering everything.
Uterinestench (best name ever) writes:
We were naked and touching each other to build up suspense, and he began to finger me hard, leaving me moaning, but with an... odd... sensation as well.
"There's something inside you," he said.
"There's nothing, don't stop," I replied, uneasily.
"No, there's something inside you. It feels plastic."
It was plastic! Incidentally, "there's something inside you" is a term I'm going to use creepily all the time now in a non-sexual context. Probably when I am having lunch with someone. Probably as they are swallowing.
"There's something inside you," I will whisper. "Something that's big and soft and used to be a mushroom-swiss burger. It's in you right now. With the nachos and free salsa we had two bowls of."
Back to Uterinestench, who describes the smell coming from her ladyparts in great detail:
Horror chills my veins. It had been about two weeks since my period. But I knew then that I had left my menstrual cup (basically a plastic cup for blood/period gunk not to be left in longer than 12 hours) in for the past 14 days.
IDIOTICALLY, I asked him to help me remove it so we could continue. MOTHER OF GOD... it smelled like an eviscerated decomposing body mixed with rotting broccoli, sewage, and rotting eggs ALL IN ONE. And the smell DID NOT GO AWAY. I threw out the cup and its contents, but the stench of 14 day old rotting blood and uterine gunk is not one that fades easily. I could tell my squeamish boyfriend was trying extremely hard not to lose his shit and vomit. But it only got worse from there.
HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY GET WORSE?
The stench would not leave, and it was coming from my vagina. To try and bring the mood back, I went to the bathroom to try and freshen up. He joined me, perhaps to make me feel less disgusting. Bad idea. With a feeling like an impending queef but somehow thicker, my vagina suddenly emptied a massive glob of this filth and it splattered a surprisingly large amount of brown rotted uterine filth all over my poor boyfriend's leg... He practically ran home.
Oh. That is worse. That's worse than the time I was constipated as a kid and my mom made me take a laxative and I shit on the slide and then pretended to play in the sand because I didn't want anyone to know it was me (like, haha, who shit on the slide guys? Wasn't me! I'm just over here making mud pies!). On the way home, a passing dog smelled me and would not go away and I was just eight and crying and my life was over. And this is much much worse.
Commenters are urging Uterinestench to see a doctor. Yes, even the commenters who are into that sort of thing.
Redditor with a fetish for brown rotted uterine filth here. I also recommend you to see a doctor.
Even your target audience is worried about you Uterinestench! Get better soon!
H/t: Ryan Broderick
Image via Shutterstock