Bristol Palin's Pregnancy Was Actually Planned, You 'Giddy A$$holes'

Bristol Palin, abstinence spokesperson, wants you to know that her newly-announced pregnancy was planned and that she isn’t an abstinence spokesperson. Okay!

On June 28, little Palin published a short blog post to a website called the Patheos Faith and Family Channel explaining how the press had gotten her recent announcement so, so wrong.

“I made a mistake, but it’s not the mistake all these giddy a$$holes have loved to assume,” she wrote. “This pregnancy was actually planned.”

Then, in a confusing turn:

Everyone knows I wanted more kids, to have a bigger family. Believing I was heading that way, I got ahead of myself. Things didn’t go as planned, but life keeps going. Life moves on.

But I do not regret this baby. This baby is not a disappointment, and I cannot wait to be a mom times two. Tripp is going to make the best big brother!!

In the initial blog post announcing the pregnancy, Palin framed the news rather differently:

“I’ve been trying my hardest to keep my chin up on this one,” she wrote. “I know this has been, and will be, a huge disappointment to my family, to my close friends, and to many of you.”

Whatever. Her point is that even though she didn’t want to get pregnant just yet, she meant to get pregnant eventually, so this baby was planned for in the broadest of senses.

She also argued that she isn’t an advocate for abstinence-only education — she is just super pro-life. That argument doesn’t totally check out given her public pledge to avoid sex until marriage and her lucrative gig as “abstinence ambassador” for the Candie’s Foundation, an organization dedicated to educating American young people about “the devastating consequences of teen pregnancy.”

Palin recently broke off a two-month engagement with a guy named Dakota Meyer after tabloids reported that he had something called a “secret wife.”

Honestly, Bristol, these explanations are not necessary because we are totally cool with this baby if you are. We literally don’t care that you’re having sex and neither do most normal people. You can tell us! We are your fun friend!