Break Your Man's Penis With Cosmo's Ridiculous Olympic Sex Tips

In honor of the upcoming Winter Games, this month’s issue of Cosmopolitan tailored its monthly offering of sex tips around an Olympics theme. And, like the Olympics, only the world’s most elite athletes should try them. Seriously. They’re cock-snappingly harrowing.

I’m not going to mince words here: while far-fetched, this month’s SEX OLYMPICS section in Cosmo is fucking awesome. It seems that, like Skynet, Cosmo has gradually become self-aware, and rather than shying away from its much-ridiculed penchant for silly sex tips, it’s doubled — nay, tripled down and decided to own them, and that takes scrunchie-framed balls. I mean, positions called The Bawdy Bobsled? The Long Pole? Siberian Husky Style? And don’t even get me started on the little sex diagrams that are wearing helmets and goggles and scarves and figure skating uniforms while engaged in coitus.

Here’s an excerpt from The Heavenly Spiral, which sounds like one of those positions that only work when the woman is 5’2″ and tiny and the man is like 6’5″ and burly.

… have him enter from behind while he holds your legs at his sides, with VIP access to your G-spot. For a double (Axel) 0, reach down and stroke your clitoris. All O, no concussion? And the crowd goes wild!

Yes, congratulations on completing sex without bruising your brain.

The O-lympic Village sounds like another recipe for sexual injury.

We like to imagine the athletes mastering this during the notorious after-dark f*ckfest that is Olympian housing. Lie on your back and position your whole body upward, as if you were about to do a backbend. Then have him kneel (and thrust) between your legs. Since your head’s below your heart, you’ll have an intense head-rush orgasm. And he gets a vigorous thigh workout. You’re officially champions of coitus.

Since your head’s below your heart, your face might turn purple while your ears pound with the sound of your own blood overwhelming your cephalic vessels. With bonus back injuries! Skip the Sex Olympics like injured Olympian Lindsay Vonn skips the real Olympics!

But the peak of this month’s giddy ode to dirty jokes and A+ double entendres is called The Sex-Goddess Ski Jump, which I kind of want to get tattooed on my ass.

1. Take a flying leap. 2. Land on his penis. 3. Win a gold medal! Have him push you up against a wall and grab you around the butt. Now leap up into his arms like you’re soaring off a Sochi bluff, lock your legs around his waist, hold on to his shoulders for leverage, and get busy. Little-known Newton law of motion: up-against-a-wall sex is never not hot.

Widely-known law of dicks: do not take a flying leap and land on a dick.

To Cosmo’s credit, I never realized how hilarious drawings of people fucking while wearing helmets was until I read this month’s issue. But please, unless you want to win the gold medal in embarrassing emergency room visits, leave the Olympian fucking to the pros.