Billionaire to Geese: Stop Pooping Near Me

It’s a relatable tale of incredibly wealthy man versus animal poop: geese have been pooping all over the Finger Lakes property of billionaire Tom Golisano and he’s not happy. As expected, animal poop is prevailing, so Golisano thinks someone should pay. Who? The children.

The AP reports that Golisano is refusing to pay a $90,000 school tax bill until the town does something about (murders?) all the geese in the Finger Lakes, or the local government comes over and picks up their butt nuggets by hand so he can play frisbee on the lawn. He is supposedly at his wit’s end, having tried everything: fishing line, goose repellent, and a fake wolf decoy. (Wolves are the Canadian goose’s natural predator, or did you not know?) He wants the town of South Bristol to DO something:

“You can’t walk barefoot, can’t play Frisbee, can’t have your grandchildren run around. … Here I am paying all this money in taxes and I can’t use my property because of the geese droppings.”

Can you imagine the burning rage experienced by a billionaire who can’t pay off 100 to 200 staring geese, pooping at their leisure? How they mock him with their beady eyes, before lifting a wing and taking a squirt; as though to say, “You can’t take your money to your grave, on which we will also poop.” How do they DARE!!!

Unsurprisingly, Golisano generally has problems with the taxation system in upstate New York. He also sued in 2010 to get his property taxes reduced on a house in Rochester, and has changed his permanent address to a property in Florida with much cheaper tax rates. Golisano believes the value of his lakeside home is reduced by the presence of water fowl and their fouling nature. Town Supervisor Daniel Marshall presents a compelling counter argument:

“It’s a resident’s problem to take care of, not the town’s,” he said. Marshall said no other shoreline residents have complained about the geese. “It is a lake, after all.”

There is one thing Golisano’s story makes clear—I deserve to be richer than him. I’d turn his house into a goose sanctuary, and fill the rooms with their joyful honking.