Today in hahahahdskjhksdghsdgfkdshfskdhfjsfhwghhggjh, Cristina Torre — a 44-year-old New Yorker who just happens to be the daughter of legendary MLB manager and catcher Joe Torre (THE CATCHER PART IS IMPORTANT LATER)—was walking down the street in Brooklyn when she saw a 1-year-old baby fall from a second-story fire escape and bounce off a frozen yogurt awning. (Or, as they call it in Noo Yawk, "Wednesday"!!!) With lightning speed, as the baby hurtled earthward to its gravelly doom, Torre ran over and caught it. Out of the air. Like a fuckin' boss. (Then, in the version of the story that only exists in my heart, she flipped up her mask, itched her nuts, and yelled, "SAFE.")
The boy crawled through the window of a second-story apartment after pushing aside a piece of cardboard that blocked an opening beside the apartment's air conditioning unit, according to NYPD Detective James Duffy.
...The boy was taken to Lutheran Medical Center in Brooklyn and was in stable condition, Duffy said.
Joe Torre released a statement Wednesday night saying, "I am very proud of my daughter Cristina's actions today during an incident in Brooklyn involving a small child. Fortunately for that child she was in the right place at the right time to lend a hand."
The baby's parents have been charged with child endangerment and their three other children have been removed from the home by Child Protective Services.
Okay. You guys? Except for the horrible child endangerment part and the baby jumping out of a window part, THIS IS AMAZING. THIS IS MY VERY FAVORITE THING. Joe Torre's daughter catching a fly baby that bounced off a frozen yogurt awning is the kind of on-the-nose malarkey that you couldn't even put in your novel because everyone would be all, "Ow, my nose."
The only thing that could make it more obnoxiously perfect is if that baby becomes the first baby manager of the Yankees.