Ask Men Wants To Drive You Crazy, Ladies

Ladies, I know it’s a holiday weekend and all, but there are no vacations in the world of crappy advice, which is why the folks at Ask Men have delivered yet another Top 10 list for us to enjoy.

Today’s list, titled “Top 10 Ways To Tease Her And Make Her Crazy For You,” is designed to help men stand out from the rest of the crowd by learning “how to tease her in exactly the right way — a way that shows her that you are confident, funny and, of course, a challenge. Or, to put it simply, just the kind of guy she’d love to see again.” Unfortunately, all of the advice given in said list makes it seem more likely that the dude who follows it will end up not with a date, but with, say, a restraining order, or maybe a drink thrown in his face. Let’s take a look:

No.10 – Bust her on her jokes

If she tries to be funny in any way or, God forbid, she actually tries to tell a joke, let her finish, then just stare at her blankly and say: “I’m sorry, was that supposed to be funny?” The longer you keep a straight face on this one, the more you’ll hit her funny bone.

Mmm! There’s nothing sexier than a man who already thinks your entire gender is stupid and incapable of humor and wants to make sure you know it. Everyone knows that girls aren’t funny, bro, so make sure you humiliate her and take her down a peg, and then just stare at her with a blank expression on your face while an uncomfortable silence builds between you. Once you’ve sufficiently embarrassed and frightened her, ask her out again! She’s sure to say yes, because girls are really into the whole humorless sexist weirdo sociopath thing. SO HOT!

No.9 – When she asks stupid questions, give stupid answers

“Do you date a lot?” If a woman asks you a lame question such as that, reply with something cocky like: “Who me? No, never. I usually stay at home, locked in my room playing Nintendo, can’t you tell?”

Ah yes, your douchebag take on a Chandler Bing impression will surely bring all the girls to the yard. Make sure you answer all simple questions by being as big a dick as possible. Women really love it when you try to humiliate them and then proceed to make yourself look like a giant asshole. You save them the time they would have wasted having a conversation with you.

No.7 – Say whatever is mean, playfully

Say something that could be mean, but in a playful way. For example, if she says she doesn’t like Tic-Tacs because they don’t work, you tell her: “Of course they don’t work for you. I mean, I don’t know exactly how to say this, but you know you have a big, huge problem with bad breath, right? I mean, you know that, right?” Deliver with just a hint of a smile, and she’ll get the joke.

And then hit her on the arm and call her a nerd and go back to your spot by the tetherball pole and continue dreaming about the day when she’ll ask you to go to the 5th grade dance.

No.2 – “You just lost a point”

Any time a woman does anything you can bust her on, tell her “you just lost a point” as if you’re keeping track of the points she’s making or losing with you. The idea here is that if she loses enough points you may not want to see her again. So, if she’s a bit late for the date, tell her she just lost a point. If she likes country and you like classic rock, she just lost a point. If she likes broccoli and you hate it, she just lost a point. Get it?

If you do this, or anything else mentioned on this list, on a regular basis=”You just lost a girlfriend/a date/your dignity/any possible shot you might have had with any woman, ever.”

This entire list seems to revolve around the very seventh grade idea that in order to get a woman to like you, you need to humiliate her, or be a dick—but a dick with a smile!—in order to come across as funny and cool and in control. Sadly, after the age of 15 or so, most of this stuff just looks immature and stupid. Eventually, any woman subjected to this crap is going to realize that the only reason she’s “losing points” is because she’s wasting her time with a total loser who doesn’t really understand the difference between telling jokes and acting like one.