As a West, I Endorse Little Baby North

You know how sometimes two celebrities touch genitals and then, later, a smaller, slimier celebrity comes out? That’s called “entertainment,” and our eyeballs eat it for their food. Once the celebribaby slides down the “red carpet” (VAGINA CANAL) and into the “spotlight” (PAN OF BABY LEFTOVERS), it’s time to give it a name. This is the big moment! Om grom gromph chomph, say our hungry eyeballs!

Now. Sometimes the celebrities are just like, uh, “Josh.” And then they go buy an archipelago and ride a zebra and life continues apace. But sometimes the celebrities do something totally fucking awesome with that opportunity, such as “Bronx Mowgli” or “Jermajesty” or “George Foreman 3: Tokyo Drift,” and then we all fill our figurative eye-diapers with faux-outraged joy-poo. How dare someone we have seen on the television name their baby something other than the kind of name we are used to hearing a lot!? A responsible parent would name their kid something normal and innocuous like [the sound of two cotton balls rubbing together]! I am truly the best baby judge ever! Yell! Yell! Yell!

Like, shut UP, us.

So Kanye West named his kid a pun. North West. It’s a name and a direction. So fucking what. Beyond the missed opportunity to name it after me (a-DUUUUH), what are we so worried about? Like, oh, why couldn’t Kim Kardashian and Kanye West have given their baby a “normal” name so she could live a normal life!?!?!!? Not happening, you guys. You could name that baby Sarah or you could name that baby Fartymouth Clownflaps, and either way she’d still end up being the kind of person who could literally live in a helicopter hovering above the Grand Canyon for the rest of her life if she felt like it. Shit is never going to be normal.

Also, “North” isn’t even that crazy of a name.

Also, STOP MAKING FUN OF “DONDA.”

Also, does anyone actually think Kanye did that by accident? Kanye is possibly the most singularly focused, defiant challenger of bullshit paradigms working in mainstream pop culture today (it’d be awfully nice if he’d challenge the bullshit paradigms that confine women too, instead of using women like a cudgel, but perhaps that’ll be the post-daughter phase). Kanye’s persona isn’t a game of chance—when he says “fuck you,” he aims every letter. North West seems to me like an elemental “fuck you.” Goof away, assholes—my baby is geography.

As a lifelong fulltime West, I’m happy to welcome little baby North into the club. And while we’re at it, can we vote these motherfuckers out?