Women, rejoice! We've finally solved rape, thanks to the brilliant and groundbreaking words of Rob, a University of Arizona senior who has written an op-ed in his school newspaper entitled "Only Responsibility Can Stop Rape." In it, he urges women to consider preventing their own rapes by simply taking responsibility. (sound of a million Beyoncés singing "THANK YOU ROB FROM ARIZONA!" in perfect harmony. All the ladies line up to french Rob in gratitude.)

In his edgy op-ed (published in the campus newspaper The Daily Wildcat), Robert Montelone proved with his wonder-words that he is a true visionary. Displaying a remarkable amount of knowledge and insight into how rape works, he writes,

Only 6.6 percent of women who smoke will develop lung cancer. A woman who smokes is more than three times as likely to be sexually assaulted than she is to develop lung cancer. We turn our noses up at smokers and just made our campus tobacco-free. Yet, nothing is done about sexual assault, short of blaming the "attacker," a guy who was likely as drunk as his "victim." We do everything we can to mitigate the small risk of lung cancer, but nothing at all to mitigate the much greater risk of sexual assault.

We all make mistakes, and we all want to be understood, consoled and forgiven, but there's a double standard here, and it needs to be addressed.

If drunk women who have sex are able to claim "rape," why aren't drunk men alleviated of responsibility for the poor decisions they make?

He goes on to add that in order to prevent rape, women should consider the following:

  • don't go to a guy's room at 2AM
  • go out in groups and don't get lost
  • tell your girl friends if you plan on hooking up before you leave to go out. [I guess if your girl friends see you making out with a guy when you didn't get your hookup pre-approved, they're supposed to karate chop him or something? Rapists love being cock blocked. I'm sure this couldn't end terribly.]

BY JOVE YOU'VE DONE IT, ROB! YOU'VE ENDED RAPE FOREVER!!!

Rob Monteleone has also studied lesbians. Here he is solving street harassment, in a Facebook post from earlier this year:

Rob seems like a cool and good guy who would make a great addition to any office or professional environment and wouldn't at all be a walking, talking sexual harassment lawsuit waiting to happen.

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(Saddest part of this: he tweeted it at noted crusty sidewalk condom Anthony Cumia, and received no response. Who hurt you, Robert P. Monteleone?)

Image via Animaniacs/screengrab