Here is a perfect snapshot of where we are as a culture: A white teenager acting like a selfish asshole on television while affecting a speech pattern that seems modeled on black stereotypes is taking her show on the road. Danielle Bregoli aka the “Cash Me Outside” Girl first appeared on Dr. Phil in September 2016 and, astoundingly, has not yet gone away. She has millions of followers on various social media platforms, endorsement deals, gets paid for appearances, and has a deal brewing with concert titan LiveNation.

It’s times like these that I imagine having to explain ourselves to aliens upon world invasion. It would be impossible to justify this in words. We would be pulverized as a species.

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So for this LiveNation deal, Bregoli currently has two shows scheduled in July—one in Fort Lauderdale, Florida (“Yes, based on what we know, that would have been the perfect site for her debut” -the aliens, going over her itinerary amongst themselves after having wiped us out) and one in Houston, Texas. But since she has no particular talent to speak of, you may be wondering what she will do onstage. Allow one of her managers, Adam Kluger (whose Kluger Agency is, perfectly, in the business of product placement, according to Wikipedia), to explain via an interview with Billboard:

She’ll be vibing some records and she’ll do a live Q&A with the audience and have some one-on-one moments with people on the stage.

Billboard reports that Bregoli will dance and invite other musicians onstage. Probably just to stare at her awkwardly. Anyway, that sounds like a waste of money, and more preciously, time.

Kluger goes on to describe Bregoli’s appeal:

The reason why teenagers and young adults are so interested in her is because she is refreshingly honest. She doesn’t care how a 14-year-old is supposed to act. She’s true to her brand.

I would argue that someone as affected as Bregoli cares very much how she’s supposed to act, it’s just her definition of “supposed to” is... kinda screwy? And what is her brand? An entitled brat who just sits there scoffing? I guess in that case, this envisioned show (which may expand into a full-on tour if sales are strong enough) is a perfect showcase of precisely what Bregoli has to offer.

Kluger has more to say about his client:

“What has she been doing for her income? She’s doing a lot of things,” Kluger said. “She’s about to crack 10 million followers on Instagram, that’s a business in itself. She’s doing endorsement deals and sponsorships,” as well as shopping a reality show on her life with help from IMG and building a modeling and fashion portfolio.

“She’s about to crack 10 million followers on Instagram, that’s a business in itself.” You can shoot me in the face whenever. Anything to take me out of my misery.

Finally, Kluger has words on innovation:

We’re navigating unchartered territories for someone who’s become famous in a way I don’t think anyone’s become famous before. Rather than someone is going out there with the goal to try to become famous, this is the reverse — this is someone who became famous for no reason and now that she is famous, we’re trying to figure the goal for her career.

So it’s all a big scam to figure out how to contrive a full-on career for what should be a flash-in-the-pan viral star. The nature of Bregoli’s stardom, by the way, is not unique to her. Bregoli did become famous for a reason—she said something stupid on television. It’s a terrible reason that makes me want to wash myself clean in a bathtub full of razorblades, but it’s a reason all the same. Just when you thought pop culture couldn’t stoop any lower than allowing Mama June, a woman who exposed her youngest daughter to the man who molested her oldest daughter, a redemption arc for losing all that weight, along comes Cash Me Outside Girl with her hand out, asking for more of your time and money. Do not give it to her.

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