An Encyclopedia of Diseases Miley Cyrus Can Catch by Licking Things
LatestMiley Cyrus may have claimed she’s disavowed Twerking in her latest interview with Rolling Stone, but she’s way into something that could turn out to be much more dangerous: licking things. She’s licking a hammer and a rusty chain in the Wrecking Ball video. She’s licking teddy bears onstage at the VMA’s. She’s licking a Moon Man. She’s licking her friends, her jewelry, her own shoulder. God knows what she’s licking when the cameras aren’t rolling. But all that tonguing has us wondering: is Miley’s incessant licking a public health risk? We asked some pathology experts to weigh in.
I spoke with two people who know all about the tiny invisible bugs that could make you poop, barf, or bleed yourself to death — Dr. Tim Lahey, an infectious diseases expert at Dartmouth, and a female pandemic specialist who has worked with the US Government who didn’t want me to use her name on the off chance that Miley Cyrus might track her down and lick her — and presented both of them with a list of common global diseases. Prognosis: Miley’s probably not going to die from licking stuff — but she could.
African Sleeping Sickness
What is it? A parasitic disease transmitted via bite from the tsetse fly.
How can Miley catch it by licking? Since it’s spread by insects, both experts agreed that it was unlikely that Miley could contract African Sleeping Sickness through licking. Unless, of course, she licked a tsetse fly and was bitten on the tongue during a licking.
Cholera
What is it? An infection of the small intestine that causes sufferers to shit themselves to death. Some of you may remember cholera as the disease that killed Marta in Meet Kirsten, by far the most grim of all the American Girls books.
How can Miley catch it by licking? Cholera can contaminate surfaces, so Miley could definitely catch it by licking “contaminated utensils or cooking supplies,” says my pandemic specialist friend. Dr. Lahey remarked that while it was completely possible for Miley to catch cholera via licking, the likelihood that she’d be in a geographic location where cholera would just be hanging out on lickable surfaces is slim.
Bird/Swine flu
What is it? A respiratory illness that is spread through the air.
How can Miley catch it by licking? If Miley were to lick a wrecking ball chain that had been coughed on by a person with Bird or Swine Flu, she’d likely contract the disease. And if she were to contract the disease and lick other surfaces, it could spread.