During a recent performance, Amy Schumer told her audience that being one of the most famous people in the country (world?) isn’t nearly as great as she’d hoped it would be. Though her comments were made during a comedy set, what she said isn’t exactly, uh, funny.

“Joked” Schumer:

I’m, like, newly famous, and it turns out it’s not fun. Did you guys know that? You’re, like, you know that I’m just now learning that my dreams have been a sham, and that it’s actually not great and it just only comes with pain.

Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha! lol. She continued:

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We all know it’s going to last another three months because that’s how it works. I’m already burning bridges like it’s already fucking over.

Oh my god I’m dyin’! Literally peein’ my pants! I love jokes!!!

[Vulture]


Look at this photo of Robert Pattinson, FKA Twigs, and Katy Perry hanging out last night:

What did they talk about, I wonder?

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Robert: Good salad.

Katy: Yeah! Very good. I like, you know, simple dressings. Not creamy ones? What do you call, like, whatever this is? Like sort of light and a little—

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Twigs: It’s a vinaigrette.

Katy: That’s it. Vinaigrette. I like those.

Robert: Me too.

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Twigs’s eyes dart at Rob as Katy pulls out her phone and starts texting her assistant “who r these qts i’m sitting next to again?

[Just Jared]


CHRISTINE OUZOUNIAN HAS OFFICIALLY MOVED ON. SHE’S APPARENTLY GOTTEN BACK TOGETHER WITH HER FISHERMAN FORMER FIANCÉ.

[Entertainment Tonight]


  • Kate Winslet’s daughter was “jealous” of her mother’s sex scenes with Liam Hemsworth, and that sort of makes me want to barf. [Us Weekly]
  • Justin Bieber said he can definitely relate to Amy Winehouse, which sort of makes me want to cry. [Page Six]
  • Kim Kardashian only washes her hair every 3-5 days, which sort of makes me want to start washing my hair every 3-5 days. [THL]
  • Awwww, Yaya filed for divorce. [Page Six]
  • David Hasselhoff DIDN’T change his name to David Hoff. [Us Weekly]
  • This was in Midweek Madness but it bears repeating: Jessica Biel and Justin Timberlake might not vaccinate their kids. [Celebitchy]
  • Is Britney Spears OK? [Instagram]

Contact the author at bobby@jezebel.com.

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Images via Getty.