America's Teens Have Spoken: Abercrombie Is for Nerds

Who likes girls that wear Abercrombie & Fitch? Nobody. NOBODY.

Mall stores that sell clothing that looks like it was designed for use by a horny prep school ski team snowbound in Aspen or doomed to starve on a sailboat adrift off the Cape — American Eagle, Abercrombie, and Aeropostale — are suffering hard. According to the Huffington Post, it’s because teenagers’ tastes have changed. That’s between-the-lines talk for “they’re not cool anymore.”

It’s not cool to look like a disheveled teenage prospector or a 90’s mean girl. Tweeny fashionistas aren’t proving their mettle by parading around in shirts with the names of stores on them, as though they went to Aeropostale on vacation. Neo snobby prep-grunge isn’t “on trend.” It’s not cool to hip hop marmalade spic and span/Met you one summer and it all began/You’re the best girl that I ever did see/ The great Larry Bird Jersey 33.

Sorry. Is there such thing as Rickrolling people with lyrics to LFO’s Summer Girls? I wish it was a thing. Can we make it a thing?

According to HuffPo, it’s not just the clothes’ lack of coolness that are making teens shy away; “fast fashion” chains like H&M and Forever 21 and Zara are offering The Youths more of-the-minute styles at less ask-your-dad prices. More teens are under or unemployed than they were back in the hardscrabble 90’s. And the so-called “3A’s” of teen fashion’s bottom lines are suffering big time. From HuffPo,

American Eagle on Wednesday gave a weak forecast for the fall, sending its shares to their lowest levels in a year and a half. American Eagle Chief Executive Robert Hanson told analysts the level of price slashing now is “unprecedented.”

Aeropostale earlier this month said that comparable sales fell 15 percent last quarter, and Wall Street analysts expect earnings per share to fall by more than two-thirds to 21 cents this year.

It will report full quarterly results on Thursday, as will Abercrombie. Last week, Barclays lowered its profit estimate on Abercrombie because of the “intense promotional environment.”

Given Abercrombie’s history of cultural insensitivity, being a jerk to fat people, and its ultra creepy Christopher Guest parody-defying CEO, I can’t say this upsets me. Besides, it gives me an excuse to sing LFO songs to my cat.