Always Masturbate Before a Holiday Party

If you’re looking for love this holiday season, one expert says you should make sure to “love your body” before you step under the mistletoe, otherwise you’re just going to get hurt. (Possibly have an orgasm before it happens, but definitely hurt after) (Sooo hurt.)

Lucy Beresford, a psychotherapist, has written a new book about love, life and relationships and, she says, one of the most important things you can do to avoid pain during this festive time of year is touch yourself in the bath before leaving the house. Why? because it will bring your “libido down a few notches” and allow you to make clear decisions about whether you want to have sex with that tall, dark stranger you just met at the party (who may also not be a tall, dark stranger at all once the beer goggles come off). Beresford says you should always resist, because dudes in holiday sweaters only one want one thing: Your special frosted cookies. (That is not a good euphemism for genitals, is it?)

From Cosmo UK:

Respect Your Vagina

By respecting this precious part of your body, you treat yourself with respect too. After all, sex is not a numbers game. It’s bigger and better than that. So even though you’re experiencing tons of sexual tension, keep a clear head and conduct some subtle research on the night to see if he has other ‘attachments’ (wife / alcohol / kids) which will stop him putting you first beyond tonight. Treating your vagina as a precious possession means you become much more discerning about who gets to have fun with it – and with you.

So, if you want long-term love don’t have short-term sex, says one person who is promoting her book. I don’t know if that’s true, but I am always going to support suggestions for aggressive masturbation, so I agree with Beresford there. Although I will say that having short-term sex and one-night stands is not an explicit “disrespect” of one’s vagina.

I will also tell you this: There is nothing more romantic than someone telling you that they masturbated before they came to see you. At least if you’re 18 years old and meeting some dude from the internet for the first time. “I did that thing they talked about in Something About Mary,” he said, and I melted. So maybe Beresford is right about some things. Love yourself before you go for that meat platter!