All the Cool Kids Are Huffing Vaporized Alcohol

No. No, freebasing alcoholic beverages isn’t a widespread and deadly trend threatening the safety of our nation’s precious calorie-conscious idiots. But that hasn’t prevented several stories about the epidemic of alcohol inhalation from filtering into Pearl Clutching section of your local paper.

If you’re like me and you have a Google news alert for “alcohol” (IT’S FOR MY JOB!) you’ve probably noticed that since the end of May-ish, there have been several reports tailored for the nation’s worrying mothers back in the Midwest. INHALING ALCOHOL! It’s a dangerous trend followed by health and novelty obsessed trendslaves who don’t realize that it is worse than butt chugging.

And it’s totally fun to imagine the health-obsessed, buff-jawed people from Michelob Ultra commercials huffing shots around a sunset bonfire on the beach and going into convulsions (because seriously, fuck those people and their wholesome health conscious fun), I’ll bet my overeager left ovary that huffing alcohol not a widespread problem.

That hasn’t stopped actual doctors from addressing it as though it sweeping the nation like sneaker wedges. Forbes ran a piece today by Dr. Robert Glatter, MD that warned the probably tens of people who have tried this that they’re putting their health at DIRE RISK. Dr. Glatter, take it away.

While many people may take regular shots of alcohol, or even do so- called “eyeball shots” or use “alcohol enemas”, a number of drinkers are now “smoking” alcohol.

What? “Many people” are doing eyeball shots? “Many people” are buttchugging? Where? Where are these many people who are just freelance buttchugging, just kind of casually shoving glass bottles in their asses because it seemed like a cool, non dangerous way to get drunk? Who are these maniacs bathing their corneas with tequila? I want to follow them around and watch them misbehave at parties!

Okay, so let’s pretend that the idea that buttchugging and eyeball shots are part of our imbibing repertoire, just for the sake of argument. What would a person have to do to partake in the newest nontrend of alcohol consumption?

One method described on multiple internet sites is to pour the alcohol over dry ice in a thermos-type bottle, and inhale it directly using a straw or pipe. Another option is to make a vaporizing kit using a bike pump […] Another method is to free-base the alcohol over a flame which ultimately produces vapors for inhalation.

Procuring dry ice? Straws? Pipes? Bike pumps? Motherfucking blowtorches? I’m too lazy to not burn the calories I’ll save by not drinking.

According to Glatter, those most at risk for “drunkorexia” (ugh you guys aren’t even trying with these portmanteaus) are teens. What teens? Where? We never find out, but it must be true, because kids are dumb! Never doubt the unlimited ability of the public to believe in the stupidity of teens.

What’s the next non-trend to briefly distract news consumers from serious, boring acronym shit like the NSA, the IRS, ENDA, and HR-1797 — you know, stuff that actually impacts real lives rather than serves as amusing idiot fanfic? Guess we’ll have to wait until the next news cycle trough to find out.