Images via Apple

On Tuesday afternoon, Apple announced a pair of CIA-friendly intellectual cellular devices for the next immediate generation—an iPhone 8 and an iPhone X (also known as the number 10)—at its annual conference for phone people. Have questions? I’m here to help you ask them.

The iPhone X, in particular, comes with several advanced new features: an OLED screen, Super Retina Display, no home button (eliminating the ridiculous act of pressing a button), elegantly goofy dual rear cameras on the back of the phone and.............30-minute drum roll...........wireless charging, which means YOU CAN CHARGE YOUR PHONE ON TOP OF A PAD THAT’S ATTACHED TO A WIRE (YOU HAVE TO PLUG THAT IN) INSTEAD OF PLUGGING THE WIRE INTO YOUR PHONE, SO IT’S NOT ENTIRELY WIRELESS BUT THE PHONE ITSELF TECHNICALLY DOES NOT REQUIRE THE USE OF WIRES SO! VERY NICE! ONE LESS THING TO WORRY ABOUT DOING! Other phones already make use of this feature.

Looks nice. There’s also, with the iPhone X (whose birth name is iPhone Little), Face ID, which is facial recognition technology that replaces the Touch ID system that is now dumb and ancient. Bye! Here’s a new thing that may creep you out—animoji that allow you to “control” emojis using your very own face, thus answering my longtime prayers. Mmm. The phone starts at $999.

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Our buddies at Gizmodo live-blogged the iPhone unveilings today and have everything you need to know, including: “Apple says there’s just a 1-in-a-million chance that its Face ID sensor will be fooled by someone else’s mug, and the system is so smart, it can even tell when you are looking directly at it, or just in its direction.” Yes, indeed, we still have questions.

Where is the home button?

How will people be able to screenshot on the new phone?

If I get plastic surgery, will my phone still recognize me?

Will the Face ID judge me? (If so, am I pretty?)

What if someone Face/Offs me?

What’s the stuff that it’s spraying into my eyes???

Is it safe???

How does it taste...

Where’s the iPhone 9?

Will the phone steal my soul?

How does Face ID work with the lights off (during sex)?

Where did you put the new home button?

Does the SUPER Retina Display come with a cape? ;)

Can I make the animatronic emojis talk to me?

Does this turn me into an animatronic emoji? 

Will the eggplant emoji...animate?

Can the animoji steal my identity? How do I prevent that?

Am I already an animatronic emoji?

Let’s say I use the animatronic emoji feature and find myself trapped in another dimension. How do I get out?

Where is the home button located now instead of where it used to be?

Do “I” really “need” a “phone”?

If it’s wireless, is it even technically “charging”?

Steve Jobs. Explain?

Which Android should I get? 

Who can I call to help me find the home button?

I am available to receive answers to these questions at clover@jezebel.com.