Aaron Carter Attacked By Vicious Gang of New Kids on the Block Fans

Okay, you guys, SHUT DOWN THE INTERNET. It’s over. It’s run its course. The best thing that’s ever going to happen has now happened, so we might as well just go make some s’mores and take a nap (s’more-nap!) and breathe the new summer air and hug all the relatives we haven’t seen since 1995 (The Day the AOL Discs Came). Just shut it down.

Apparently, over the weekend, Aaron Carter was walking through a Boston parking lot when a gang of street toughs screeched up in their golden Chevy Malibu. “I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow,” their leader jeered, spittle flecking his soul patch. And then: “This is the town of the New Kids!!!”

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Then they hopped out of the car and engaged him in gentlemen’s fisticuffs.

Let me repeat.

A GANG OF NKOTB LOYALISTS BOY-BAND-BASHED AARON CARTER ON THE STREETS OF BOSTON.

Here’s The Cut:

Missing a great opportunity for a dance-off, Carter says he returned fire with his fists and “I think my knuckles might be broken, but that’s what they get. People think I’m a pretty little white boy but no way. I think I won. I’m still standing.”

Though he feared his fists were broken, the dulcet-voiced pugilist persevered, continuing to make appearances for his ongoing solo tour. Did you know Aaron Carter still tours?

Aaron Carter did not file a police report because that would be “girlie.”

And here’s Aaron himself:

Eh @jordanKnight this one of your homies? He got his ass handed to him last night but his boys got me.. #Soldier

I don’t believe in god, but just in case s/he’s real, can I just file a quick prayer? Please please please please please please let this turn out to be real like that time Jeremy London claimed that some ne’er-do-wells kidnapped him at a gas station and forced him to smoke crack at gunpoint and everyone said he was lying but then the kidnapper guy was all YUP, I TOTALLY DID THAT.

Please?

Can roving gangs of boy-band-affiliated street heavies please be infesting the streets of Boston, bestowing terrific shiners upon any mouthy N Sync fans who dare to mock Jon Knight’s crippling stage fright?? I am against violence, but. PLEASE? WOULD IT HELP IF I LIT A CANDLE?